First, lookie lookie: Bronson Pinchot Addresses the Graduates has found its audience. For anyone who is wondering, I only submit things to Haypenny now. Take that, Cat Fancy Magazine! I do this for three reasons. First, I think Haypenny has the funniest stuff. Second, I have had too many bad experiences with other websites, and Haypenny seems to treat everyone very well. Third, because I get a free container of homemade butter everytime I submit something there. You know me, I'm a fool for the butter churn and its handiwork. I yearn for the churn.
I don't know what has happened, but my nose seems to be falling apart. I found out yesterday that if I put any pressure on it, it stings like a mother. And then today, I discover that if I try to blow my nose, I cry like a little girl. Is it possible for your nose to break itself? That sounds too horrible to be true, so I must seek out another possibility. Could this be the work of an evil sorcerer/witch doctor? Let's examine a couple of reasons why a few prominent witch doctors may hold grudges against one Cody Powell.
First, I spent the better part of last month going door to door in Haiti, hitting random citizens in the head with a croquet mallet. While I didn't think it was notable at the time, a large number of the people I assaulted had bumper stickers saying "I'd Rather Be Witch Doctoring." Second, there was my infamous speech at last year's International Santeria Festival, "Voodoo is for Homos". Yes, there was an elaborate Powerpoint slideshow that accompanied my speech. Third, I placed a very large bet on the Kentucky Derby this year. I was disappointed when I lost, but bewildered when I found out that the horse I bet on, Ed Asner's Imaginary Mustache, wasn't even in the race. Doesn't that seem like grounds for a do over? I thought so, but the bookie did not. As I am a quick thinker, I scribbled down a person he could collect the money from and then I left town. Instead of writing down Uncle Larry, I wrote The Honorable Witch Doctor Bearwalker Mamoto. Not a good idea in retrospect.
Posted by Cody at August 4, 2003 05:56 PM