Weight Issues

When my sister first saw me last weekend, she asked if I had been working out. Of course not, I said, as I am scared of the gay people at the gym. Truth be told, I had noticed some increased strength. The past few months, cinderblocks have crumbled in my hands every time I've tried to pick them up. I tried to pet a dog last week and ended up knocking it through the floor. Something was definitely going on here, and I was going to get down to the bottom of it.

I decided to step on a scale and see what the deal was. Maybe I had been adding muscle without knowing it. What popped up on the scale was very enlightening: 170 pounds, my heaviest weight ever. Yes, it was quite a milestone, and I did a victory lap around my apartment to celebrate the achievement. To think of all the scoffers who thought I would be forever stuck at 160; in your face, jerks! Subsisting on fatty foods and beer has shown another benefit, and no one's taking my 170 pounds away from me. I am now a strong and heavy man; form an orderly line, ladies. As some people have warned me that I may be headed down the slippery path to morbid obesity with my new weight gain, I have decided to list the Pros and Cons of my new weight.

Pros:

It's now harder than ever to throw me out of a window.

I am now less likely to be washed away by a tsunami.

I could probably make some good money out of this by sitting on boxes of crackers for people who liked crackers crumbled up in their soup.

Maybe I could get some sort of Jared, Subway type relationship going on with Chuck E Cheese.

Call me crazy, but all of those are pretty awesome. The Cons? I could only think of two.

I'm less likely to outrun a grizzly bear if one is chasing me.

It's harder to push me around in a wheel-barrow.

Yeah, I guess those are bad. But do they possibly compete with all of the benefits from my new heft? Hell no, the weight stays.

Posted by Cody at September 16, 2003 05:35 PM