Me vs Rocky's Opponents

Good news: I got the jar open, thanks to some good tips left in the comments by some of the leading jar-opening luminaries of our times. When I finish with the jar, I don't know whether to throw it away or give it a Viking style funeral. We were like Apollo Creed vs Rocky for the past few weeks. He won the first bout, but I didn't give up. I trained like a demon, running on the beach in my underwear and wheeling senior citizens around in a wheel barrow to put on the muscle. And then this afternoon, we fought again. Blood splattered those at ringside, and he hit me so hard I peed in my pants multiple times. It was tough, but I triumphed in the end, thanks to my curmudgeonly corner men. Tragically, after my victory, the salsa jar got killed in the ring by Dolph Lundgren. Alas, "Calvillo's Original La Fogata Salsa Casera Since 1978", we hardly knew ye.

Speaking of all of this, wouldn't it be cool if, when the Internet recognizes me as its favorite son, I get to box Rocky's opponents from all of the movies? Maybe for charity or something? Here's how I think the fights would break down.

Me vs Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) - Doesn't Carl Weathers read off the Lotto results somewhere now? I'm not scared of him. I'd punch him so hard, he'd poop his Dockers and then start lactating.

Me vs Clubber Lang (Mr. T) - Mr. T has slowed since the days of Rocky III and the A Team, and is prime for the picking. He's still strong, so I'd make sure he only hit my rock-hard abs for the first few rounds. If he hits me in the face, I lose my meal ticket, as simple as that. But after he's tired from that, then I will do one of those things where I spin one hand in circles like I'm winding it up to sock him, and then I hit him with the other. Yeah, I like to put on a show for these charity things.

Me vs Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) - I haven't seen Dolph Lundgren in anything in a long time, but I have no doubts he'd beat the crap out of me. This is why I must get him before the fight starts, perhaps in a questionable manner. I could pretend like I'm a damsel in distress on the side of the highway, and then when he stops to help me, I could bonk him in the head with the tire iron. Hopefully we could fight immediately thereafter, when I might stand a chance.

Me vs Whoever the dude was in Rocky V (Tommy Morrison) - I don't really remember this guy, I so can't comment. I will venture to say that if he's anything like Jim Morrison or Van Morrison, I could probably take him. I'm hoping for the physique of Van with the mental acuity of Jim. I think that would favor me.

Posted by Cody at September 24, 2003 06:08 PM