Celebrity Butlers

Friends and enemies, I direct your attention to the new entry on CarlosJacott.com. I would also like to note that, last night in that entry, I predicted the hell out of this Spalding Gray disappearance thing, although my prediction applied to the wrong quasi celebrity. You guys don't go to CJDC for the outstanding predictions though, you go there for the best Mama's Family Fan Fiction on the internet. Am I wrong?

Okay, let's move on to more of my delightful brand of tomfoolery. I'm going to need a haircut soon, and it is more apparent than ever to me that I hate all of this hair stuff. Is it possible for me to just go in and request that my entire head be waxed? The ladies will love me and the gentlemen will fear me whether the locks are there or not. Actually, it'd be pretty great if I could trade scalps with a bald guy. I get a lot less hassle then and he finally gets the pompadour he's always wanted. How much could I get paid for doing that? I imagine enough to have a new celebrity butler every day for the rest of my life.

Speaking of celebrity butlers, I think it'd be easy to get tricked into selecting a bad one. For example, it may sound amusing to have David Lee Roth as your celebrity butler, but where do you think he'll be when it's time to polish the silverware before the Prime Minister comes over for dinner? He certainly won't be manning the polishing apparatus. No, you'll find him doing jumpkicks for the maid or guilting your niece into having sex. I think the best celebrity butler would be Alex Trebeck. He seems like the type who'd light himself on fire if someone left the cap off the milk. I like high-strung, prissy butlers like that. Also, he's decidedly less likely than David Lee Roth to sneak into your bedroom and put a komodo dragon on you while you sleep. These things must be considered.