Mr. River Explains It All

If you happen to be a fish in the Comal River, I suggest you throw yourself onto the bank now and die because this weekend may get unpleasant for you. Yes siree, on Saturday, I will be part of a large group of yahoos taking itw to the river for this year's tubing expedition. For my Belgian fans who may be unfamiliar with tubing, it's basically where you sit in an innertube and float down a river. What's the allure? Well, it combines three of my favorite things: sitting, drinking, and peeing without having to move. I should note I'm still waiting for all of that to be incorporated into an amusement park ride.

A tubing expedition isn't something you just stumble into. No, there needs to be a plan. For example, do you burst into fire when you come into contact with the sun? Then you'll need to bring a tarp to drape over yourself as you float along, or consider finding an indoor river. What about drinks? It's best to bring something in cans so you can employ a coozie; make extra sure they're canned beverages though and not canned food, since no one wants to drink pork and beans on a hot afternoon. And regarding ice chests, are you going to be filling with regular ice, or will you take the more dramatic step of dry ice? Also, have you looked into the snake situation? If that is a real risk, you may need to invest in a set of durable harpoons.

As you can see, there are a lot of variables here. In case you're getting flustered by them all, don't worry, there is help available. For a small fee, you can hire a river sherpa and a team of water yaks to safely guide you to the end. At some point in the near future, look for me to expand on all of this in my magnum opus, There's No Such Thing as the Water Yeti And 1000 Other Helpful Tips About Rivers, Lakes, Aqueducts, and Eddies.

I had a really rough day at work, so I am now going to fill my bathtub with jello and proceed to eat and splash around until I am evicted from my apartment. Good day, all.