Softball Breakdown

I haven't mentioned softball in a while, so I figure it's about time I dished the latest gossip regarding the Novice division of the Austin Parks league. Here's a team-by-team breakdown, with names removed (except for ours) to protect the guilty.

Team Surly. I feel I can best explain Team Surly through a question. If you were really good at something, would you choose to dominate and destroy the worst competition possible, creating a lot of opportunities for taunting, trash talk, and general ill will, or would you try challenge yourself with a more evenly matched foe? Team Surly embraces the crap out of that first option, and thus, they kick the ever-loving caca out of every team in our league.

If Team Surly were a guy, he'd work the cash register down at the oil change place. During his lunch break, he spends his time writing creative insults on a napkin to scream at the umpire that night. He has a pair of specialized software cleats that he named something stupid, like 'blast boots'. He has at least one Larry the Cable Guy t-shirt, and a Keystone Light decal on his car.

Team Ringer. Last week, we played Team Ringer and they didn't have enough people to field a team. Rather than forfeit and then just play us anyway for fun, they recruited a group of Team Surly's world-class buttholes and proceeded to beat the holy hell out of us. I refuse to discuss Team Ringer any more than that.

Team Almost Decent. These guys beat the crap out of us also, but they were pretty good sports about it. I think they just barely got beat by Team Surly last week, and I didn't see a single member take out an uzi and spray the field, as a lesser man may've done.

If Team Almost Decent were a guy, he'd work in the Accounts Payable department. Maybe he played baseball for a division III school, so he's no slouch although he doesn't bring it up constantly. Occasionally, he'll bring cupcakes to work. He loves Seinfeld, the soundtrack to Miami Vice, and little cans of fruit cocktail. Rock on, Team Almost Decent.

Team Equally Horrendous. This is the one team we managed to beat, and that's only because we recruited a member of Team Surly (had I known she was from Surly, I would've resigned as ass't manager). Team Equally Horrendous has the right idea: they don't give a crap and they spend most of their time mocking their own players, not the other team. Unexpectedly, a large number of this team wears sleeveless shirts to their games, allowing them to show off the guns, I presume.

If Team Equally Horrendous were a guy, he'd be an intern. Every time he'd leave the office, he'd put on a visor and turn it backwards. He strongly prefers late Weezer to early Weezer. He's memorized Old School and the Wedding Crashers, comes in to work hung-over, and comes up with good insults for people by joining 'ass' with a strange second word (eg, ass stapler). Kinda lame, but a decent enough guy to hang out with.

Gas House Gang. This is us. We feature a few guys who can really play and then a bunch of goobers, with me leading the team in gooberosity. We lose almost always, but we lose with panache, with equal parts humor, disappointment, rage, and profanity.

How would I sum our team up? Well, we'd work in the back of your office. You're not sure what we does, but we insult you affectionately whenever you see us so everything's cool. Occasionally, you catch us in the break room, watching the Price Is Right. We were once asked to leave the office in what's come to be known as the 'Robutussin Incident'. We're always eating KFC and wearing a sweat suit, and thus both ridiculed and feared around the office.

Posted by Cody at March 29, 2006 06:34 PM