First, a Fourth of July feat of strength. It's good to know that while my time on our office softball team hasn't boosted my self esteem or my standing amongst coworkers, it's really helped me in flinging around the booze.
You know what I'm enjoying right now? A little event known as the World Cup. That shouldn't come as a big surprise to anyone; I consider myself to be, first and foremost, a man of the world. I like fancy cheese, languages I don't understand, and bottles whose labels prominently feature anything with antlers. It's only fitting then that I've got a case of the futbol fever.
Why do I enjoy it so much? Well, there are lots of reasons.
1. It doesn't require lots of attention. If you want to make yourself a sandwich, go to the bathroom, and then write your Congressman, you can probably do it during a soccer match without missing anything crucial. Unless they're doing penalty kicks at which point, for the love of God, stay in the room!
2. I don't know anything about the teams. Maybe this sounds like a reason to dislike the sport, but it's actually kind of refreshing. At least in my life, I have a hard time flipping through tv channels or hitting my web hotspots without reading, "DEREK JETER SWEARS OFF OF PERT PLUS, VOWS TO TRY JOHNSON'S NO MORE TEARS!" Since I have no information about any team, I can pick my team using solely objective criteria, such as which goalie can whang the ball the farthest or which striker has the best afro.
3. I like to watch people bounce things off of their heads. If that's your cup of tea, then soccer is like manna from heaven. It truly amazes me how far those guys can head a ball.
4. The crowds appear to be completely and utterly berserk. I don't know if everybody remembers it, but there was a lot of hurly burly in the '94 Cup when a Colombian defender was murdered for accidentally scored on his own goal. Well, after watching a few games and seeing how those crowds react to pretty much everything, I'm astonished that players aren't murdered after every game. I'd think you would have to field a whole new squad every two weeks or so.
Add to this the fact that all of the players are absurdly fast and coordinated, plus everyone has a crazy name like Zinedine Zidane, and it becomes clear just why I'm in love. I won't predict a victor for the final, since it's evident I have no idea what I"m talking about. I will make one prediction, though. In 2010, when the USA and Ghana have a rematch, the guy who streaks the field at the start of the second half will bear an astonishing resemblance to me.
Posted by Cody at July 6, 2006 05:55 PM