Softball Lessons

In all likelihood, tomorrow will be my last Novice League softball game for a while. As such, I've created a list of softball lessons to share with you.

1. Everybody messes up, so don't worry about it too much.

2. When someone else messes up, be sure to rub their face in it.

3. Hitting that big, slowly moving ball is as easy as it looks.

4. As a result of #3, you will swing way too hard and ground out to the pitcher on most at-bats.

5. Never slide into first base; that's for psychopaths.

6. If you have an open path, always slide into home. It just looks cool.

7. Cups are a good idea.

8. If you publicize the fact that you're wearing a cup, your chances of getting punched in the gonads skyrocket.

9. There's usually at least one jerk on the other team.

10. You are absolutely correct to give him an insulting nickname like Douchebutt, spread it amongst your teammates, and shout it at him while he's batting. He won't be able to hear you.

11. For some reason, everyone is obligated to call the umpire Blue. Play along.

12. Each time you get called out on the basepaths, argue a little louder. The first time, go with mild outrage: "No way, Blue!" The second time, get a little angrier: "Horsecrap, Blue! Horsecrap! Are you a horsecrap merchant?" And if you get called out a third time, fall to your knees, rip off your jersey, and scream, "NOOOOO!!" Eventually, the umpires will give in (seriously).

13. When you're playing in the field, try to keep the ball in front of you. If make a ridiculous dive for a ball and it gets behind you, it's a near-certain homerun.

14. At the same time, if you don't makes lots of crazy, low-percentage dives for balls, your teammates will start calling you Douchebutt and asking what time your ballet lesson starts.

Softball, we've had a good time.

Posted by Cody at April 25, 2007 08:17 PM