He'll Do It Real Cheap

Tomorrow is Thursday. Tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM, a disturbing-looking gentleman is going to knock on my door and insist on mowing my yard. I know this because a pattern has been set: he insists on mowing the yard, I tell him no, then I end up giving him a ride home from the gas station.

Let's transport back in time, two weeks ago. This guy knocks on my door at 7 AM, and thinking that the house is probably on fire, I bolt out of bed and throw the front door open. There's no fire; there's just this sweaty, schlubby guy who lives down the street.

"Hey, you want your yard mowed? I'll do it real cheap."
"No thank you, my neighbor and I swap back and forth mowing our yards."
"Are you sure? I'll do it real cheap."
Okay, he isn't listening to me. "No thanks, like I said, I already have an arrangement with your neighbor."
"With your neighbor? But I'll do it real cheap!"

That conversation went on for five minutes, with both of us saying essentially the same thing. I don't think he paid attention to anything I said the entire time. The only way I got out of it was by promising to hand out some fliers for his lawn service (seriously).

That evening, I was at the gas station when I saw that same guy, dripping with sweat and with a handful of candy, coming out of the storefront.

"Hey man, how'd the lawn mowing go today?" I figured that, after talking to this guy for a while this morning, he'd have to know who I am.
Instead, all I get is this blank stare. "Did I mow your yard today?" he asked.
"No, but we talked about it and I took some fliers."
At this point, he launched right back into his routine. "Do you need your yard mowed? I'll do it real cheap."
Here, I noticed that the guy looked completely out of it. He was a little loopy that morning, but I was beginning to suspect that he might actually be mentally retarded. "No, no, I don't need my yard mowed."
"Hey, could I have a ride back to my house?" he asked.
Earlier that morning, he and I had discussed where he lived. I knew it was about 8 houses down from me, so I had no problem with it. I said, "Sure, you just live on Lollypop Forest, right?"
His eyes bulged when I said that; I spooked him good. Not good enough to kep him from still accepting the ride, apparently. "Yeah, Lollypop Forest, it's the second straight on the right. I can get us there real quick."
"I know where it is; I live right down the street, remember?"
There was no glimmer of recognition. He said, "We gotta get there quick, I just bought a drink for my daughter."

Three thoughts came to mind here. First, who is fornicating with this piece of work? Second, he wasn't holding any beverages. He just had a handful of Hershey's Kisses. Third, who goes to the convenience store and buys a handful of Hershey's Kisses after mowing yards in the sun all day long?

I let the guy into my car, and as I did, I saw the lady at the next pump over. She had absolutely no idea what was happening. In her mind, she was witnessing the most inept gay hook-up ever.

I took him home, listening to him tell the directions to our street roughly 5 separate times in 75 seconds. When he was home, I chuckled a little bit and went on with my day.

One week later (last Thursday), I got another knock on the door at 7:30 AM. I thought to myself, "No way. There's just no way it's that guy again." Since the universe hates me, OF COURSE it was him. And to no surprise whatsoever, we had the exact same conversation where he offered to mow it cheaply, and I politely declined. He had no idea who he was, and I made sure to avoid the gas station.

Tomorrow is Thursday, and I fully expect to have the same conversation again. The worst part is that my tank is on E. I better lay down a tarp in the passenger seat.

Posted by Cody at May 23, 2007 09:47 PM