I made a big purchase this weekend: an enormous box of Hot Tamales. There are days when you just want to eat a shitload of cinnamony plastic, and that is when the makers of Hot Tamales laugh all the way to the bank in their gold plated Tamalemobile. One interesting thing about Hot Tamales is that on the back of the box, there's a little line of text that reads, "A great candy isn't made... It's just born." I could literally talk about that one line for hours. I guess one question is why they're just born, like no one can account for these Hot Tamales' origin. It's immaculate candy conception. If we eliminate the word just, we can move on to bigger questions. Who is birthing these tamales? Are they washed off after their trip through the birth canal? Is sexual intercourse involved in the creation of these tamales? If so, they should definitely alter the box so it reads "Hot Genital Tamales".
I decided to take this hunger for Hot Tamale knowledge to the streets. One of the first sites I found was a site where people review their Hot Tamale experience, like an amazon.com thing. I direct everyone's attention to the first review, by one Michelle Teague of Texas. She writes, "I love Hot Tamales. I love them in the morning, afternoon and night. I love to eat them when I play cards so Steve does not get any." The first two sentences are completely reasonable, although a bit extreme, and then there's that whammy of a third sentence. Who is Steve? Is it Steve Perry from Journey? Steve Wozniak maybe? Why can't Steve Wozniak get any Hot Tamales when you're playing cards? Maybe Wozniak has lobster pinchers that are well suited to playing cards, and Michelle doesn't want those filthy things grubbing on her Tamales? Michelle Teague, Steve Wozniak, and Steve Perry: contact me and we'll get down to the bottom of this.
Okay, continuing on with the reviews on that site, there is another that is stuffed with intrigue. Clym Mackenzie of London writes, "I'm sure you'll have gathered I love cinnamon,but I'm almost obsessed with the stuff. When I tried my first pack of Tamales it was like entering a whole new world of cinnamon eating pleasure.Wow they have a great kick and then you get to chew on them too,mmmmmmm I love em. Keep em coming ma!" First of all Clym lays it all out on the table: he's obsessed with Hot Tamales. Welcome to the club, brother, we'll come up with a handshake later. And then there's that last sentence, "keem em coming ma!". It makes me think of the just born comment on the box. Ma as in madre, like there's a hispanic woman who is producing all of the world's Hot Tamales through an enigmatic, super-secret birthing process. Or is Ma short for Yo Yo Ma, who may be fooling us all with the cello thing so he can rule the non-chocolate candy industry with an iron fist? That seems like a Yo Yo Ma scheme if I've ever heard one, and I'm glad Clym called him on it. You may be able to bully the people at Mike and Ike, Yo Yo Ma, but you're not bullying the Internet Hot Tamales Club. The truth will be heard.
Posted by Cody at July 13, 2003 8:31 PMI can't help but imagine the Slurm factory from 'Futurama'.
Regardless, Hot Tamales are actually quite repugnant. Really, they don't taste like cinnamon at all.
Posted by: writingstatic at July 14, 2003 7:53 PMAhh, Slurm. Good analogy or metaphor or simile or canoe or whatever that figure of speech is.
Posted by: Cody at July 14, 2003 10:49 PMI am very allergic to these cinnamon things. What interests me more than Hot Tamales, however, are the cinnamon Jelly Bellies. There are two different varieties -- "Cinnamon" and "Sizzlin' Cinnamon". What person on earth really needs two different types of cinnamon jelly beans? What is it, exactly, about the second variety that warrants the "sizzlin'" descriptor? I want desperately to read online reviews of these products. I'd taste test them myself, but I would probably die. It would be a noble death, but I am young and have too much to live for.
Posted by: Bruce at July 15, 2003 8:24 PMWell I tried a bit of "ego-whacking" as they call it, and typed my name into Google. I was pretty amazed to see my comments about the exquisite "Super Hot Tamales" posted on another site.
So hats off to you Cody, you've made it a first for me.
As to your comments about the "Ma" sentence, well sorry to dissapoint you, but that is "Ma" is in mother, and is a sort of irony.
I refer to "Ma" as it is quite an Americanism, and thought it apt as Tamales are another great American product.
You guys over the water are so lucky, as you get such a smorgasbord of candy delights!
Still we can get a few of them over here. But I still miss the likes of Gatorgum and the likes.
Take care for now my friends!
Clym
Posted by: Clym Mackenzie at April 9, 2004 5:47 PMClym,
I've been there...Britain, and sure you blokes don't have much for the candy selection. But you definately make up for it in the chocolate and pastry division. As I've just finished off my last box of Hot Tamales, I ponder the thought of a custard slice or a taste of the rich chocolate that seems to flow in the rivers and streams (all except the Thames River). Viod of wax, chocolate actually tastes pretty good (can you tell I don't like chocolate?). However, this is not about British chocolate, but rather American Hot Tamales... so, since there are no custard slices available in these parts and the wax-less chocolate would melt faster that you can say "HOLY HOT TAMALES". Here in Arizona, I'll just have to go and pick myself another box of sizzling Hot Tamales off the nearest tree (that is where they come from... trees in Arizona). The reference to "Ma" was actually ironic since the trees that Hot Tamales grow on are called Mallow trees, as in "marsh-mallow", and we call them "Ma" trees. And since they are pollenated by the same tree (asexually), that would mean that there is no birth canal nor any need for washing, but only plucking and eating. The interesting note here is that the "Ma" trees produce them all year round, hence the availability.
Now the box actually comes from the shell of the Hot Tamales. The shell is a thin fiberous casing, that is not very tough, but never-the-less protects the hot tamalets during the sensitive growth stages. One may indeed partake of the shell as well, but it tastes nothin like the ripe tamale inside. Those in whom shell the tamales and create the boxes are women who are drawn to this duty, almost out of some unseen power the trees place upon them. But that is another story entirely. Well, I do hope you come visit us and pluck a few hot tamales of your own. BTW, Mike and Ikes are simply unripe Hot Tamales. As the Mike and Ikes are left on the "vine" (it's very similar to grape vine but grows taller and more broad) they dry out thus becoming hot.
Posted by: Perry at April 20, 2004 9:55 AMI like hot tamales too.....but they make me fart cincinnom.
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