Leguizamo V Shalala

Today marked my first paycheck at my new card. Guess who you don't have to kick around anymore, Folks at the Plasma Bank! I appreciated your fig newtons and Sunny Delight, but you've seen the last of me. Likewise the people at the Sperm Bank. Your assortment of pornography was truly impressive, but I'm masturbating for free now. So take that!

Well, I'm going to be kicking it out of the country for a few days soon, so I'm looking at some pinch-hitters who can do this thing while I'm away. The application process was grueling. I mailed out a 2 page application, front and back, to a small list of candidates. The responses had to be written in cursive in the blood of Sasquatch. I asked things like, "If the readers of this site requested that you kidnap Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, how would you go about it? Also, rate the level of stealth involved in this mission from a scale of 1-10." and "Who is your favorite hamburger visionary? Is it Dave Thomas, Ray Croc, or maybe John Larroquette, whose culinary accomplishments have yet to be duly recognized? Imagine a night with them in their secret Burger Lair and share it with me. Extra points added for schematics of Burger Lair."

From that, I was able to narrow it down to a final group of 5. I had just one simple request of these 5: to come to my house and play me a song on a didgeridoo about a theme of my choice. That theme: You call that potato salad? I ended up with a final 2, after I had to throw Pat Morita out for blatantly copying Kansas's "Carry On My Wayward Son". These final 2 are none other than legendary funnyman John Leguizamo and former Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala. So, I bring the choice to you, who do we pick? Leguizamo or Shalala? To help with your choice, here is the tale of the tape.

	Leguizamo	Shalala
Height	4'9"	2 Furlongs
Weight	84 lbs	370 Centigrams
Finishing Move	The "Zip You Up In A Potato Bag and Drop Hammers On Your Head"	Purple Nurple