July 20, 2003

Monsters and Whatnot

There are all sorts of neat, unexplained monsters who lurk the earth and occasionally show up on the news. We've got Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, various Yetis, that thing in China is is sort of a rip off of the Loch ness Monster, and my own personal favorite, the Skunk Ape. Everytime I read about one of these (which is very often, seeing as how I am the Editor in Chief of both Yeti Illustrated and the Skunk Ape Mysteries), I am a little saddened because there's nothing like that in Texas. We have all sorts of neat stuff like the Alamo and the Snake Farm and the world's 2nd largest fire hydrant, but we have no monsters. Unless you count Willie Nelson and his band, who really are more scraggly than monstrous.

What I propose then is that we create a monster for Texas to call its own, much like the Skunk Ape. I'm thinking it should be some sort of mutated Texas symbol, like maybe a zombie Nolan Ryan. That being said, I have racked my brain and come up with the following Texas monsters that would be suitable as urban legends.

  • The Chicken Fried Armadillo - This is an armadillo whose skin has battered and fried. He now roams prairies of Texas, killing people with scalding gravy shot out of his nose.

  • Vampire Michael Irvin - After a romantic liason gone bad, VMI now stalks the streets of Dallas, looking to feast on women of questionable taste. Once he's captured you, you have your choice of fates: either allow him to suck your blood, or go on that stupid ass Best Damn Sports Show Period that's he on and allow Tom Arnold to hump you to death.

  • The Possum of Pestilence - He's 80 feet tall and he licks everything that he comes in contact with. Oh, that doesn't sound so bad? Well, when he licks you, he gives you chicken pox. The only way to kill him is to corner him and then read to him softly the entire Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis. Also, he is the natural enemy of Vampire Michael Irvin.
  • I feel like I don't even have to ask you guys who should win. It's all possum, like most other things in life. In order to get this legend started on the right foot, I have created an imagine showing just what the Possum of Pestilence is capable of. Here's a picture of him running rampant at the Texas State Fair. Be very afraid, citizens of Texas: the Possum of Pestilence is out there.

    statefair.jpg

    Posted by Cody at July 20, 2003 8:57 PM