Only Personality Quiz You'll Ever Need

Well, the Fourth of July has come and gone, like a faberge Bill Cosby pog that shatters the first time you play it. It's a lesson we all must learn: some pogs were meant to be appreciated in a hands-off fashion, while others were meant to reign thunder down on the filthy savages foolhardy enough to oppose you.

Here's a good exercise in determining if someone is dateable or humpable or whatever it is you want to find out. Just sit them down, give them a Fresca, and then ask which US currency portrait is their favorite. Before you start thinking of your answer to this question, familiarize yourself with the cast of characters. Okay, now that you've done that, here is the answer key to the question.
Their answer: George Washington ($1 bill)
What it means: First, why don't you pick something a little more obvious? Let me guess, your favorite Rocky movie is the one where he fights the Russian, your favorite Family Matters cast member is Jaleel White, and your favorite cinema genre is barely legal porn. You get a few points because George Washington had wooden teeth, but you should still be looked down upon for your lame, boring taste in everything.

Their answer: Thomas Jefferson ($2 bill)
What it means: Who the hell do you think you are? $2 bill? Someone's compensating for something.

Their answer: Abraham Lincoln ($5 bill)
What it means: Honest Abe is an okay choice because not only was he a great president, but he is also widely credited as being the father of plate-spinning, which remains a crowd pleaser to this day. A lot of people don't realize that his nickname isn't Honest Abe, but rather Honest Babe, because of both his phenomenal good looks and his love for that movie about the pig that talks.

Their answer: Alexander Hamilton ($10 bill)
What it means: It's gutsy to go with a non-president, so this choice must be admired. It's like someone asking you to name your favorite Toto song and you picking something off of Tambu, their 1995 release. Straight-up ballsy, but can you be trusted?

Their answer: Andrew Jackson ($20 bill)
You know a nice hairstyle when you see one. You have a folksy charm, with a commanding sense of leadership and an overpowering hatred of Native Americans. Bonus points if, when explaining your answer, you allude to the fact that Andrew Jackson captured a wild grizzly bear, tamed it, and then married it, much to the consternation of his Cabinet.

Their answer: Ulysses S. Grant ($50 bill)
Points are awarded because Grant is the only portrait featuring a bowtie, and then the points are immediately rescinded because it'll be a cold day in hell before anyone understands your irrational love of a pointless president like Grant. It only gets harder to explain when your volumes of Ulysses S. Grant related love poetry and erotic historical fiction are unearthed. Start preparing excuses now for when you sell off your loved ones' possessions so you can bid on Grant's femur.

Their answer: Ben Franklin ($100 bill)
$100 bill, ooh la la! You are probably a rapper or something. Others would be wise to stay away from you, or else they risk pregnancy, gun shot wounds, and being forced to wax your Escalade while you play the new Zelda on Game Cube with Method Man.

Posted by Cody at July 6, 2003 7:48 PM