Salad Days

As I've mentioned before, I am fleeing the country on Thursday evening. Fear not, for I will be back on Tuesday. We're doing a little family vacation down Mexico way, meaning me and my mail order bride are packing a sack lunch and hitch hiking towards the border. Hey, if you see us, why not pick us up? Her stabby phase is over with, more or less! Also, we've got her into training pants. I have to admit, I was a little shocked when I took her out of the box. I said, "Hey, I ordered a hot Japanese co-ed! Not a savage wolf girl from the cursed forests of Estonia!" But then I said to myself, "Screw this, I'm getting my $20 worth." And so, after 6 long months of shock collars and rubber sheets, we're both starting to come around a little bit, meaning it's freaking partay time in Mexico.

So, I guess with that intro, I pretty much have to talk about mail order brides and the risks one enters into when ordering one. First of all, I hope you can lock your fridge because that bitch is going to want to eat all of your Lunchables. Yeah, go ahead and explain to her that Lunchables must be earned, but she won't care. She'll just play that "I'm a foreigner and I don't understand" card, and then the second you leave the house, it's Lunchable city. What I'm getting at here is that you'll want to stock up on some of her native foods: berries, twigs, and rocks.

Also, don't just assume because you're man and wife that it's going to be romantic city. For the first few months, she will attempt to light you on fire or poison you many, many times. You learn to deal with it, though. You walk around in a wet sweatsuit so it's a little harder to get the blaze going, and you employ a legion of squirrels to test your food for you before you eat. And eventually, after enough ruined sweatsuits and dead squirrels, the romance takes care of itself. And maybe one lucky day, you find yourself doing extensive research into the venereal diseases of the third world to figure out if your new rash will kill you. Those, my friend, are the salad days.