What Can I Expect From Donna Shalala?

Well, the results are in: Donna Shalala will be guest writing while I'm away. It's going to be big for you, the readers, and for her, as she has been waiting for a stage this large to display her talents. This begs the question: what can I expect from an entry written by Donna Shalala? First of all, I hope you can read Welsh since that's what she likes to write in. And not the Welsh all of us learned in middle school, but sort of a street slangy version. It's weird, but you get used to it. Second, we have a gentleman's agreement that she will give us the scoop on the executive branch tickle parties that used to go on when she was in Clinton's cabinet. I'm talking no holds barred here, folks. Finally, she posts a lot of song lyrics, mostly Huey Lewis and the News.

This is pending her approval, of course. We can't go and commit the Shalala to something she can't do. I'm going to have to ask her. That being said, does anyone have the keys to her house? I'd like to discuss this over breakfast with her some morning, kind of a spontaneous thing. If she's not home, maybe I'll just leave her a note on her pillow and rummage through her underwear drawer.

Okay, so I'm in a new city and I don't know a lot of people, and I've been brain-storming ways to get plugged into the social scene. One option is to get hooked on drugs. I'd probably meet a lot of interesting people from diverse socioeconomic backgrounds, some of whom have funny nicknames. We'd go on lots of adventures, like trying to find some powder ground up from a elephant's tusks so we can inject it into our eyeballs. And I imagine there are lots of little drug pranks we'd pull on each other, like giving each other Hepatitis. All of that sounds good, but I know something better.

I would like to get involved with planning a jail break. I can't be involved in staging one, since I'm not incarcerated. I really want to plan one, though, for three reasons. Number 1: I think I have the sort of ingenuity that would really shine in an escape situation. Number 2: No one knows the tunnels below the prison like I do. Number 3: I can't wait to see the look on the Warden's face when he learns that Cody Powell got him again. Since I know that 98% of my readers are locked away in our nation's correctional institutes, I look forward to getting involved in a few of these. I've got a number of ideas for busting you guys loose, and here's just one: sending someone a cake with a rocket pack baked in the middle of it (like the kind the Rocketeer had). If anyone wants to start one of these up, you know how to contact me. (That is to say, passenger pigeon)