I Hate Captain Crunchnmunch

This weekend was a true time of triumph. Some associates and I made our way down to the Dog Track in Galveston. How did it go, you ask. Well, the gambling started off good, as I made a 5 cent profit on the first bet. The next bet, I made a 3 dollar profit. At that rate of increase, I would be wearing platinum jumpsuits for the rest of my life after a few more bets. The dog track was buzzing with the news that a new golden boy had hit the scene and was squeezing that place like a lemon with big money, kick ass bets. I was living the dream, friends.

But of course, I was punished for my hubris and things quickly went downhill. You know things are going badly when even the beloved Captain Crunchnmunch can't be counted on to win his race. Any dog racing afficionado will tell you that the Captain comes to race; the crunchnmunch refers to what he does to the souls of his competitors. Apparently he took Saturday off, though. He really phoned that race in, probably due to sabotage from the people around me who couldn't stand my instant success. We all have our off days, don't we, Captain Crunchnmunch? He just happened to have one on the single day of my life where I was ready to invest my life savings on a dog named after a cereal.

Well, I've made it back home now, a few dollars lighter and with much more hatred for Captain Crunchnmunch and the Gulf Greyhound Park. The fact that they would toy with me like that disturbs me, letting me win the first two races and then throwing my ass in the hurtlocker for the rest of the afternoon. Big mistake, folks. I don't forget these things. I'm coming back there with a big plate of brownies, like I'm apologizing for assaulting the bathroom attendant after the Crunchnmunch fiasco. I will find the employees who are lactose intolerant and ask them if they want a brownie. They will say, "Do these have milk in them?" My answer to that question may or may not be the truth. When your employees are clutching their stomachs and emptying their bowels into the pants, you will learn a very valuable lesson: no one, dog or otherwise, wrongs Cody Powell and gets away with it.