Know Your Spammer

If you're looking for a great source of amusement, look at the From lines on all of the unsolicited email that you get. I don't know if the writers from Family Matters have taken to coming up fake names to send spam from, or if the scripts they use to generate this stuff is really funked up. Whatever the case is, I introduce a new game called Know Your Spammer, where I make up biographies about the people who sent me spam today.

Willodean Eakins: Professional pudding taster. Can't stop mailing his underwear to Ed Asner, but lord knows he's tried. Never got over Street Fighter II: The Movie, and spends his nights practicing Ryu's Dragon Punch in front of his bathroom mirror in his underwear. Trying to channel all of his rage into whittling, but he has nothing to show but splinters so far.

Marquita Ribakovs: Keeps writing letters to Irish Spring, asking them to come out with Nacho Cheese Soap. Marquita is this close to telling those fatcats down at the soap company where to stick their non cheese soap and just doing it herself. Fired from Church's Chicken when she was caught stealing coleslaw. Tried to apply again under a pseudonymn, but nobody bought it. Now sits in the parking lot all day long, blaring the soundtrack to Shrek, and giving all the customers the stink eye.

Sanjuana McClintock: Has a pet racoon. Keeps putting out ads in the local newspaper, saying "Does Your Racoon Want to Mate with Mine?" but no one has answered. Racoon won't stop busting into the fridge and drinking Sanjuana's Mike's Hard Lemonade. Getting pretty sick of that shit. Lease is up in October; thinking about moving and not telling the racoon where. Looking into getting a pet mongoose, the racoon's natural enemy, but her landlord is being a real dick about it. Sanjuana has a trick up her sleeve, though.

Posted by Cody at August 12, 2003 6:24 PM