Riot Talk

Well, the power is coming on in the Northeast. That's a shame, because I was just packing up my car to drive up there and loot some stuff. I secretly suspect that I would be the world's worst looter. First of all, I am not very good with conflict. I imagine that looting some person's store is about as conflictual as it gets, so it wouldn't work. I'd probably run in there with my baseball bat and grab something cool, then start running out, only to see the storeowner. Once we made eye contact, I'd end up walking up to the counter and writing the guy a check for everything that everyone has stolen so far.

Secondly, I don't handle stress very well. Even if I did manage to take off with something, I'd break out in a rash once I realized someone was chasing me. Unless I'm stealing some Neosporin and I can apply it while I'm running, it's just not going to work very well. Also, there's the fact that I'm very indecisive, and so the cops would probably snag me while I'm trying to make my selection. I'd definitely need to go in there with a list if I wanted to get anything.

I think that in any sort of riot situation, the role I'd be best at would be getting pulled from my car by an angry mob and beaten with sticks. Anything else (looter, rioter, vigilante, highwayman) is just too much for a man of delicate sensibilities, like myself. Of course, I'm not going down without a fight. I will defend myself with a vast array of knock knock jokes and Tai Bo moves, at least for the first 90 seconds of the attack, at which point I'll become winded and fake a heart attack.

To anyone who knows their behind from a hole in the ground, tell me Bubba Ho Tep isn't going to be the greatest movie in the world. Check out the trailer on that site. Note: I'm not just saying this to get an invite to Ossie Davis's house.