Tennis Outlaw

Today is the start of my favorite sporting event: the US Open. Why do I like tennis so much? I think it all comes down to the fact that tennis is the only sport where I could be considered a surly troublemaker. Any other sport and I am voted the most likely to bleed to death on court, but when it comes to tennis, I am like Mickey Rourke. You stay out of my way on the tennis court unless you want me to drink your juice box and step on your sweater.

I think this goes for all racquet sports. I play racquetball a lot, and I'm widely considered by my opponents to be a rascal extraordinaire. That's right. I may just bounce the ball twice before my serve, USRA rules be damned. You think I'll go along with your request for a water break? Hell no, we stay on the court until I win or you pass out. I really was feeling the outlaw vibe the one time I played squash. I think that was probably because I am the only person in the history of the world to have played squash before the age of 60. Still, I liked my endorsement chances if I could've made it onto the professional squash tour.

Back to tennis, though. I should note that tonight is Pete Sampras's retirement ceremony. I remember when I was first warming up to tennis, I happened to watch a match involving Mr. Sampras at the US Open. It was your typical long ass, grueling affair, and you could tell that Pete was feeling the effects. He was walking around like one of the zombies in Thriller, and then he started puking all over the place. He just kept on playing, though. It was amazing stuff to watch, and I know it had a profound effect on me as I had been looking for a sport where I wouldn't be penalized for rampant puking and zombiefication. Amazingly enough, he ended up winning that match and plenty more because he was the best ever. It's a shame to watch him go, but at the very least, I got to watch him play and occasionally vomit.