AFC North Preview

After countless emails, calls, and holograms, I have ceded to your wishes. What I'll be doing the next few entries is a complete NFL preview for every team. Today, we start with the AFC North, also known as the dandylion division. Why dandylion division? Whenever a team in the AFC North loses a game, they must go and put flowers in the winning team's hair. It sounds weird, but in person, it's beautiful. That being said, let's get down to it.

AFC North Preview
Baltimore Ravens - For years, the Baltimore Ravens have been the laughingstocks of the NFL. Why? Because, unlike every other team in the league who considers their mascot to be simply a mascot, Baltimore really gets into the whole Ravens thing. They don't even have human players; they're all actual ravens with shoulderpads and helmets. It's quite a sight to see 11 ravens take the field versus a steroid ravaged, human opponent, even though there has been a real problem with opponents eating the birds. Nevertheless, the Ravens have heart and they're looking to surprise some people this year.

Cincinnati Bengals - Well, after years of resisting the inevitable, Cincinnati finally changed their name from the Bangles to the Bengals. No longer will they take the field looking like the fashionable lady rockers of the 80s, or sing Manic Monday during their huddles. After rejecting the Cincinnati Duran Durans and the Cincinnati Hall and Oateses, they selected Bengals, which is some sort of a big kitty. Even with the name change, the players insist on wearing make-up for the game, saying it makes them feel pretty. Looking pretty, feeling pretty: the Cincinnati Bengals.

Cleveland Browns - The Cleveland Browns are leading the way to curb the gross injustice of the NFL's pay scale. No longer will million dollar paydays be common in the Cleveland lockerroom. Instead, every player will get a bag of Fritos for every outstanding play they make. They can then barter these Fritos for goods and services in the greater Cleveland area. Before you get in a huff, did I mention these are gold plated fritos? And that every player of the team gets half off the MSRP of a Toyota Prius just for wearing the Cleveland uniform? They are the envy of all their opponents in those handsome automobiles.

Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh, a town best known as the birthplace of acting legend Cheech Marin, apparently fields some sort of football team. I had a sneak peak into Pittsburgh's playbook, and let me tell you something, this forward pass is for real. Not only will Pittsburgh be utilizing this "forward pass" like a house on fire, but also the sideways pass, the backwards pass, the caddy corner pass, the indian style pass, the nacho cheese pass, and the feared french tickler pass. The only pass you won't be hearing from these guys is "Pass the butter!" because butter churns have been outlawed in their locker room.