NFC North Preview

Before we get into part 5 of the NFL Preview that shall never end, I would like to announce that I've revamped the zinger generator, so check it out and pick up a few insults with which to crush all your enemies. It just might be the most intelligent piece of software ever. All of that being said, today I'll be taking a lookie at the NFC North, which was collectively voted "Most Likely to Be Arrested for Impersonating the Mail Man". I have decided to compare all of today's teams to TV shows.

NFC North Preview

Chicago Bears - The Chicago Bears are like the last season of the Cosby Show. The last season of the Cosby Show was a real stinkeroo and mainly because it was all about some little girl named Olivia who was Denise's daugher or something. The Cosby Show's loyal fans didn't want Olivia; we wanted Theo, Rudy, and Cockroach, preferrably ruffling the Cos's feathers. Did we get them? Hell no, and the show went on to its pathetic end. The Bears this year is full of Olivias, cute little girls of undetermined ethnicity who are determined to make us love them. But we don't want to love you, Bears. We want to love Rudy, and maybe Cockroach.

Detroit Lions - The Detroit Lions remind me of Charles in Charge. Offensive linemen Stockar McDougle is Scott Baio, keeping all the goofy-asses together with his patented brand of tough love. And defensive end Kalimba Edwards is his sidekick Buddy, always playing second banana to crowd-pleasing results. The teaming has never failed to stir America's cocoa in the past, but there's a gleam in Kalimba's eye that tells me he's tired of being the Stockar McDougle's Willie Aames. Kalimba's going to do something drastic to assert himself as the true Charles in Charge, whether it be stealing Stockar's woman, filling Stockar's locker up with donkey manure and sour cream, or accidentally peeing on Stockar in the shower. Whatever it is, look for a hilarious battle of wits between these two.

Green Bay Packers - The Green Bay Packers are like Magnum PI, with Brett Favre as Tom Selleck. The only thing is that instead of a ferrari, he has a Toyota Prius. And instead of a gun, he has a box of stale Cheez-Its. I don't see any crimes getting solved here.

Minnesota Vikings - The Minnesota Vikings are like Mad About You. Daunte Culpepper is the Paul Reiser character and Randy Moss is Helen Hunt. Nothing points out the gentle humor of everyday life like the constant pickles these two keep getting themselves into. And romance? You bet your ass. Yeah, they have their ups and downs, and some times things get a little dramatic, but there's no denying the passion in the bedroom between these two. This marriage is going to last, folks.

Posted by Cody at September 11, 2003 5:39 PM