RIAA's New Tactics

The RIAA continues to earn high marks from its customers related to its latest legal moves. When reached for comment, one of the latest defendants said, "To be honest, I was a little worried when I heard that the RIAA was going to be suing hundreds of more music fans up to $150,000 for every song they share. It just didn't make sense, coming from such a forward-looking group. But now that I've experienced it first hand and paid them $15,000 to leave me alone, I see they're just taking customer satisfaction to the next level. If I had any money left, it'd all go towards new CDs to support this bold new campaign!"

An RIAA spokesperson elaborated on their new tactics. "We're referring to it as our 'fear and awe' campaign. Think about it, what business doesn't want its customers to regard it with both fear and awe? It's a radical new business idea, something we came up with while watching a documentary on Laotian prison camps. There was a moment on that show where the guard was getting ready to hook the prisoner's testicles up to a car battery, and the camera zoomed in on the prisoner's face. You just knew that poor guy wasn't going anywhere and we paused it right there, trying to dissect exactly what that guy was feeling and how we could replicate something like that in our own customers. I think we came pretty close to that with 'fear and awe'. And hey, who's ever heard of a customer complaint from a Laotian prison camp?"

The RIAA spokesman continued. "We're already looking for ways to kick 'fear and awe' up a notch to make it both more fearsome AND more awesome. I don't want to give too much away, but we're looking at ways to give Hepatitis to file traders. It'll be a little harder to shake your booty to your illegal Justin Timberlake MP3s when you have cirrhosis of the liver. Also, we're not sure yet, but we definitely want to do something with killer bees. I don't know if we're going to sting the file traders or just chase 'em around, but definitely something with killer bees."