The Snuggler

I don't mean to get everyone so excited that they quit their jobs so they can stay home and hit reload on their browsers nonstop. That's just the way it gets when I start up a project. And today, I started up one dill pickle of a project. One of those projects that will either get me arrested, or get me free gravy for life at Chicken Express. Watch this space for more details.

In other news, it looks like I'm going to be going away for a long time. Ha ha ha, that's not really me. It's a guy who looks disturbingly like me who happens to share my DNA, but he is definitely not me. I think that is probably my favorite crime story of all time. Does the criminal here have prison bitch written all over him or what? You just know it's not going to well when you get tagged as the Snuggler before you even make it inside. Here's how I imagine his first meal in the big house going.

Hardened Con #1 pokes at his mashed potatoes. He told the cook last week that if he found any more lumps in his potatoes, the cook would be raped and then set on fire, then raped again by another man who is also on fire.

Hardened Con #1: So what are you new guys in for?

Fresh Meat #1: I killed a man, ate half his remains, then used the remaining half to commit mail fraud.

Hardened Con #1: Pussy. (Hardened Con #1 pokes out Fresh Meat #1's eyes with his spork and uses it to choke a white supremacist.) How about you?

Fresh Meat #2: I kidnapped an entire monastery, made them steal puppies from the area's pet stores, then forced them to train those puppies to attack any religious persons they saw. Then I turned the puppies on the nuns. Then I used the puppies to commit mail fraud.

Hardened Con #1: What is this, amateur hour? (Hardened Con #1 cuts off Fresh Meat #2's genitals with the mashed potatoes and trades the genitals to the black panthers for last month's issue of Hustler.) What about you?

The Snuggler: Well, I broke into women's apartments, then I snuggled with them, folded their clothes, and arranged their shoes.

Hardened Con #1: Then you beat them up and killed them?

The Snuggler: No, but one time, I made nachos when I was done.

Posted by Cody at September 30, 2003 6:03 PM