Weight Issues

When my sister first saw me last weekend, she asked if I had been working out. Of course not, I said, as I am scared of the gay people at the gym. Truth be told, I had noticed some increased strength. The past few months, cinderblocks have crumbled in my hands every time I've tried to pick them up. I tried to pet a dog last week and ended up knocking it through the floor. Something was definitely going on here, and I was going to get down to the bottom of it.

I decided to step on a scale and see what the deal was. Maybe I had been adding muscle without knowing it. What popped up on the scale was very enlightening: 170 pounds, my heaviest weight ever. Yes, it was quite a milestone, and I did a victory lap around my apartment to celebrate the achievement. To think of all the scoffers who thought I would be forever stuck at 160; in your face, jerks! Subsisting on fatty foods and beer has shown another benefit, and no one's taking my 170 pounds away from me. I am now a strong and heavy man; form an orderly line, ladies. As some people have warned me that I may be headed down the slippery path to morbid obesity with my new weight gain, I have decided to list the Pros and Cons of my new weight.

Pros:

It's now harder than ever to throw me out of a window.

I am now less likely to be washed away by a tsunami.

I could probably make some good money out of this by sitting on boxes of crackers for people who liked crackers crumbled up in their soup.

Maybe I could get some sort of Jared, Subway type relationship going on with Chuck E Cheese.

Call me crazy, but all of those are pretty awesome. The Cons? I could only think of two.

I'm less likely to outrun a grizzly bear if one is chasing me.

It's harder to push me around in a wheel-barrow.

Yeah, I guess those are bad. But do they possibly compete with all of the benefits from my new heft? Hell no, the weight stays.

Posted by Cody at September 16, 2003 5:35 PM