Dead Web Stars

Ahh crap, Elliott Smith is dead. And this happens just one day after I added him to my launchcast station. Maybe if he had known about that last part, he would've delayed the suicide. Or maybe he already knew and he couldn't handle the pressure. Whatever the case, I refuse to blame myself, no matter what those bastards in Newsweek print. In any event, it is unfortunate, but then I think us fans of the rock and roll music won't have to put up with too many more unexpected deaths from our beloved musicians.

I say that because, with the eminent demise of CDs due to the RIAA, we're not even going to have rockstars anymore. I theorize that instead, we'll have web stars. They'll be super famous people with websites where you have to pay $15 to read 10 posts. They'll go on these huge tours, where they just sit in some cyber cafe and make their background typists post something to their site, because the web star will be too doped up on horse tranquilizers to type. Meanwhile a bunch of slobbering minions watch on with their lighters busted out, throwing their undies at the dude's laptop and trying not to cry. All of the worship will lead to lives of excess for the web stars, and they'll start dropping like flies from ODs and all that crap. What I wonder is if people will idolize the dead web stars the same way they do with dead rockstars. Here's how I think this would work out for 4 different budding web stars.

Webstar #1: Me (CWMP), keeper of the goulash. Tragically killed in 2009 when I try to light my space-cocaine with my gold plated bunsen burner. In honor of my accomplishments, Google retires the #1 ranking for goulash. An allstar group of web folk come together to create a tribute site, where they each do a cover of one of my greatest hits, including such classics as "Someone kill that goddamn possum", "More Proof of the Zionist Conspiracy", and "Whatever happened to quality velveteen?".

Webstar #2: Paddy, webmaster of Lioi.net. Meets his untimely demise in 2008 when he insists on piloting his own hovercraft after too many goblets of martian juice. As a tribute, a bunch of nerds get together and create a Lisp compiler in his image. Only 4 people understand what it does, but they weep like the dickens whenever they attempt to use it. Richard Dean Anderson closes an episode of Stargate the TV Show with a tearful recollection of the time Paddy stormed the set and threatened to kill him if they didn't put more feeling into their alien/human love scenes.

Webstar #3: Willie Ed, webmaster of DigitalInflux. Dies when a groupie accidentally shocks him to death with the electric eel they were attempting to have sexual relations with. All of those dorky Photoshop guys group together and create this sprawling anime porn image to honor him, where this japanese cyborg girl is smothering Will with her tenticles. His 78 illegitimate children get nothing, as Will has spent his fortune on robot porn.

Webstar #4: Schumin, webmaster of Schumin Web. Taken out as part of the East Coast/West Coast web star war. Many of his devoted fans refuse to acknowledge his demise, while others commit suicide in droves, particularly the females, seeing no reason to go on. It becomes a regular sight to see vans with enormous murals painted on the back, featuring Schumin with a pair of angel wings, sitting next to Jesus, and the words "Angels Belong in Heaven".