Elderly Athlete Assaults

If you haven't been paying attention to the baseball playoffs this year, then you missed a sign of things to come. Don Zimmer, a 72 year old coach for the Yankees, charged at Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedo Martinez during a brawl in the game on Saturday and was promptly thrown to the ground. The old folks are finally rising up, determined to destroy us all. Their first target, of course, is our most precious resource: our professional athletes. It's time to start poisoning the Metamucil, people. We take no prisoners.

Actually, I think what Zimmer did was pretty cool. I hope when I'm 72 years old, I am attacking All Star pitchers; that's a sign that you're living right. Rather than getting some stupid job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I will instead devote all of my time and energy to a set of ruthlessly creative assaults on everyone associated with the sport of baseball. I'd probably start with the guy who sells the hot dogs in the stands, move up to the bat boy, then maybe go for a utility infielder. You don't just start out by going after the starting pitcher; you have to climb the ranks a little. It's like getting a part-time job at McDonalds. They don't let you flip the burgers right away, you have to wash the lettuce first. By climbing the ranks, I'd prove I was worthy to attack Pedro Martinez. Then when i finally made my move, the average spectator would wipe a tear from his eye and say, "What a hero that belligerent senior citizen is."

However, I'd be a little smarter than Zimmer was when he charged right at Pedro when Pedro was clearly on his guard. I'd set a trap. I'd call him up and say I was thinking about leaving him some money in my will. He'd start planning out how many illegitimate children he could afford to support on that amount, and while he's doing that, I'd give him a big purple nurple. Then when he's too stunned to react, I'd shave my name into his eyebrows. That'd be my calling card. Anytime you saw an athlete with a broken spirit and eyebrows that read CWMP, you'd know the legends were true. You can't stop me, MLB.