Bulletin Board Postings at My Complex

Good evening, suckas. Here in my apartment complex, we have a bulletin board where we can leave messages for the other residents. Here are a few recent postings from this board:

To Whom It May Concern:
I hate to accuse my neighbors, but SOMEONE in this complex has been coming into my garage at night and taking my Segway out on joy rides. To this anonymous joyrider, I ask the following three questions.
1. Did you pay 5 large for the "vehicle of the future"?
3. Are you the Treasurer of the Austin Vehicle of the Future club?
2. Did your wife leave you over your ridiculous impulse purchases?
If the answers to these three questions are all no, then you clearly are not me and thus you should STAY OFF MY DAMN SEGWAY.
Jimbo in 1414

I've had it. Did I not post a clearly marked letter to the entire APARTMENT COMMUNITY about staying off of my Segway? That didn't stop you though, and this time, I can't even find the damn thing. It's not at the bottom of the pool, like it usually is after someone borrows it. How would you bastards like it if I broke into your apartments and took a big dump all over the place? Because that's what you're doing to me with this Segway stuff. I want you all to know I've written a letter to Dean Kamen about this, documenting the entire ordeal. It has certainly lowered his estimation of Martha's Vineyards Apartment Complex, and you have no one to blame but yourself. Give it back quickly or I write him again.
Jimbo in 1414

ITEM FOR SALE
1 Segway, along with membership card for the Austin Vehicle of the Future club, aka Nerd City. $50 and it's yours.
Pierre in 715

Seriously, isn't it a little odd that right when my Segway is stolen, Pierre in 715 suddenly wants to get one off his hands? Yeah, I said it: Pierre stole my segway and is trying to sell it for $50. I just want everyone to know that if you buy my stolen Segway from Pierre, you will NOT get the manual for it, thus ensuring that not only will you miss out on a lot of the cooler features, but you will be totally clueless as to where to buy official Segway accessories. The deal's not quite as sweet now, is it?
And where does Pierre get off with this 'Nerd City' business? If you're going to buy my stolen Segway, you really ought to consider attending some meetings so you can learn some Segway etiquette from fellow enthusiasts. We usually have snacks at the meetings. I bet Pierre is just jealous that we wouldn't even let him in the club because HE WOULDN'T HAVE THE DILIGENCE TO FINISH THE REQUIRED SAFETY TRAINING! Not only that, but I HIGHLY doubt he could become an officer in it, as he seems to have no coherent Segway platform to run on (sorry, but I had to).
If I can ever get you to open your door, Pierre, I am going to punch you so hard. Then I am going to take my Segway back. Then I am going to write another letter to Dean Kamen.
Jimbo in 1414