Hand Turkey Mania

If you think I am able to generate something that's both original and interesting on the day before the Goulash Centennial weekend is set to start, you better back that truck up. Just push in the clutch, grab the shifter with the 8 ball on the top, and throw her into reverse. Don't try that old "I don't know how to drive a standard!" thing, because I saw you play Cruisin' USA at the arcade, and you seemed to have the intricacies of the manual transmission worked out VERY nicely.

Well, I'll do a little bit of original. Ignore the instructions about backing it up and just let it idle in neutral. Tomorrow at work, we're having a Thanksgiving lunch, where everyone is supposed to bring something so we can all feast like Abraham Lincoln and Chubby Checker did with the Sacajawea, so many years ago. Since my oven is possessed by Zuul from Ghostbusters, I just thought I'd buy a pie and bring it. However, disaster struck when I checked the Excel spreadsheet where you were supposed to list what you were bringing. Three pies were already being brought. Science tells us that a fourth would probably be a little too much pie, so my plans were struck down.

When I discovered that, I initially wanted to bring some of those miniature sweet pickles. We always have those with our Thanksgiving meal and they're usually my favorite part. Not only would I be popular for bringing a delicious treat, but I'd be respected for my ingenuity. I tried to drop a few hints with people about what I was bringing, by walking into their offices and saying, "Is it just me, or could you go to town on a jar of miniature sweet pickles right now?" To further sell the pickles to my coworkers, I would then rub my stomach and holler, "MMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!" Not only were they annoyed by my hints, but I was put on probation for devoting so much time to miniature sweet pickle related activities.

I dumped that idea. Plan 2 was to make some hand turkeys with a pen and construction paper, and then people could use them for bibs, or perhaps frame them for their collection. I was willing to do them fancy, with calligraphy for the part where I'd write the turkey's name and maybe a gummy worm for the gobbler thing that hangs down. I had already set up my Hand Turkey Distribution Center when I discovered a line on the email that said, "PS: Due to an anonymous staff member's crippling phobia of hand turkeys, we ask that you not be such a cheap ass and actually bring some food. Jesus, people."

The conclusion of all of this is that I go back to bringing pie. The pie to person ratio will be especially high, and the meal will be lacking the ba-zing that miniature sweet pickles or hand turkey bibs would've brought, but I guess SOME PEOPLE just didn't want the PERFECT THANKSGIVING. And to think, I was this close to sticking a few one dollar bills into the pie as a fun surprise for the people eating it. Think again!