Weather Gimmicks
My thingee on Uber ran today. I kind of got shang-haied on that one, so it may not be the Grade A Cody Powell Magic. Still, if you say you don't like it, I'll come to your house and beat the crap out of you. And you're a total lunatic if you think the police will take your word over mine; you are a respectable citizen, while I am an incompetent buffoon who left his wallet and punching gloves at your house in my hurry to get away. Case closed, you beat up yourself.
Man, it is colder than a weinerbiscuit outside today, and I am loving it. That'd be a good gimmick for a weatherman. Just say, "It's XXXX-er than a weinerbiscuit today and I'm loving it." Actually, I think I would be good at coming up with gimmicks for weathermen. Here are a couple of gimmicks I encourage everyone to use, along with a sampling of said gimmicks:
The Rhyming Weatherman - "Today's so hot it'll fry your robot." Extended beatbox interlude.
The Ventriliquist Weatherman - Weatherman to dummy: "What's the humidity going to be like, dummy?" Dummy to Weatherman: "Hey, YOU're the dummy!" Weatherman to dummy: "Oh, I've wasted my life."
The Corey Haim Enthusiast Weatherman - "It's going to get cool tonight, down to 55 degrees. Of course, that's not nearly as cool as Corey Haim was in the Lost Boys. You guys see that movie? Goddamn! Corey Haim killing vampires, or as I like to call it, 'Next stop: Boner City.' I bought some of his teeth off eBay. I'll pretty much have an entire replica of his mouth soon, at which point I will take a big old bite out of the sports dude and yell, 'ADIOS, SUCKERS!'"
The Paleontologist Weatherman - "How hot will it be today? Well, it'll be hot enough to cook an oviraptor egg on a stegosaurus' plates. In other words, 92 degrees."
The Nigerian Millionaire Weatherman - "It is my great pleasure to read you this forecast on behalf of my colleagues. Within the Department of Meteorology where I work as the Director of Project Implementation, with co-operation of two other top officials, we have in our possession, an overdue payment in precipitation coming out of the southeast. The said precipitation represent certain percentage of the contract value executed on behalf of my Ministry by a foreign contracting firm, which we the officials over-invoiced to the amount of 250 billion inches of water. I have the authority of my colleagues involved to propose that, should you be willing to assist us in this transaction your share as compensation will be 20% (50 billion inches of water) while my colleagues and I shall receive 70% (175 billion inches of water), and the balance of 10% (25 billion inches of water) shall be used to reimburse all expenditures, taxes and miscellaneous expenses so incurred.
Regards
DR KUBE MACGROGOSHO. "
I hope everyone noticed how, with that last one, I took something everyone is familiar with and added a zany spin. Yes, I deserve a job writing for Jim Belushi's sitcom. Have a good weekend, you crazy rubes.
Posted by Cody at November 6, 2003 5:27 PM
