No Kind of Shopper

Aww snap, it's December 22 and I still have one present left to buy. The store where I have to get it is completely insane with shoppers right now, and it is times like these that I wish I could make something with hands besides the most sublime banana pudding you ever did taste. The rough part of going shopping now isn't my paralyzing fear of people carrying shopping bags, which often leads to the untimely release of my bladder in social type situations. After all, I have learned to live with this, and in fact, I have even learned to use this to my advantage. The scary part is the fact that all of those people, carrying (gulp) shopping bags, wouldn't hesitate for one second to pop a cap in my ass if it meant they got the last Donald Rumsfeld Coloring Book. So, as schemer extraordinaire, I have been trying to think up a way to obtain this last gift without having to deal with all of those freaks.

My first thought was to put up crime scene tape all around the store. Perhaps I would put up a chalk outline of Santa in the parking lot. Then, while all the rubes are jackalacking around out in the parking lot about what happened, I would sneak into the store in my policeman's outfit, grab what I need, and haul buns out of there. If anyone happened to catch me during my escape, I'd throw out a little diversion. I'd say, "You want to hear what Santa Claus's last words were? He said, 'Psych!! I ain't dead, you turkey!'" Then I'd bop them in the nose and run like the dickens out of there.

I see the short-comings to this plan. First of all, where am I going to get all of that crime scene tape, not to mention the police outfit? I don't even know where to look for that. Second, do I really think that the death of Santa Claus would stop people from shopping? No way, fool. So, the next best thing is just to light myself on fire, run into the store, pick out what I need, and run out; I can only hope they'll have the sprinklers on when I run out. Yes, I'll mail them the money for it later. This is a good plan because the only person who risks injury is me (I wouldn't mine) and whatever poor sap tries to stop me (probably deserves it). Anyway, I will let you guys know how this works out for me.

In nerdly news, does anyone want to work on a little programming project with me? The idea is a chess program/web app that generates an rss feed of all the moves made for each game you're playing. Not too hard since it'd be strictly 2 player, plus think of all the chicks who'll come a-running once your name is attached to something like this. Merry Christmas, indeed!