Numerical Goulash

Goulash by the Numbers for the month of November.

Number of people who searched for goulash on Google and ended up here: 546
Number of people who were dissatisfied with the results of their search: 545
Number of people who were so dissatisfied with this site being the #1 result, they snuck into my house late at night and dumped rotten taco meat on my keyboard: 126
Number of dissatisfied searchers who, after the taco meat thing, attempted to climb into bed with me: 61
Number of bed climbers who paused before getting into my bed to put on My Little Pony jammies: 9
Number of My Little Pony jammies wearers who cut off a lock of my hair, after successfully slipping into my bed: 7
Number of hair snippers who still expected me to cuddle them after all this crap: 4

Number of people from the Netherlands who accessed this site last month: 62
Number of Netherlanders who immediately after seeing the site, sent me a pair of wooden shoes out of gratitude: 57
Number of splinters I got for wearing the wooden shoes they sent: 197
Number of wooden shoe senders unwilling to foot my copay fee so I could see a doctor about all of the damn splinters: 48
Number of wooden shoe senders who then had a bounty sworn out on their heads for being cheap pieces of crap who care nothing for the well being of my feet: 48
Number of soon-to-be dead Netherlanders who tried to even the score with me by sending me another pair of wooden shoes, which they claimed to be magic , but were actually infected with monkey pox: 19
Number of times I tried these "magic" wooden shoes on and then promptly proceeded to urinate blood: 16
Number of Netherlanders who I consider friends: 0