Prime Time

Well, someone has beaten me to the punch in the search for the world's largest prime number. Maybe you didn't know that searching for prime numbers is a hobby of mine. No, finding the largest prime number is not as much of a hobby as it is my single reason for breathing. However, unlike Mr. Michael Shafer of Michigan State, I don't use a fancy computer to find my numbers. No sir, I do it the old fashioned way, with an abacus, a piece of paper, and some coal to write with. Yes, I occasionally double check my work with my Garfield calculator, but the vast majority of the work is done by me and my lucky troll doll.

I've had some good success with my prime number search. Not only have I found some numbers that I previously had no idea were primes, but I found some numbers that I didn't even know were numbers. That's just how it is when you reach the highest echelon of abstract mathematics; it's like going to Mars for a taffy convention. Nevertheless, what I found last week astounded me. I wasn't entirely sure, but it seemed like I had found it. That's right, fools, the world's largest prime number. I had a hard time believing my results, so I went back and looked at my work. Yes, I had definitely lined all my digits up correctly and carried the ones; I was absolutely positive then that I had found the world's largest prime.

My first instinct was to call CNN. As I began to dial their special Prime Number Discovery hotline, I had a moment of insight. While it seemed totally out of the question, what if I had made an error? Tensions were already high between me and CNN from last year, when I called them claiming to have found the corpse of Aqua Man (turned out to be a jellyfish). I'd get laughed out of Luby's if I tried to pull another thing like that over on them, without first verifying it. I decided the only way to be sure was to hunker down and reprove the prime number. I called up my office and said, "I can't come in this week, my wife is sick." "Oh, I didn't know you were married," the receptionist replied. I yelled back, "Yeah, she goes by the name of Mathematics!" Then I slammed down the phone and got to work.

Time was of the essence, and even though I am probably the world's foremost mathematical genius, I was worried that someone would swoop down and steal my prime while I was trying to verify it. I decided to call on an old ally. An old, lasagna eating ally, that is. I broke Garfield calculator out of his carrying case and screamed, "Tonight, we calculate!" I was going to ride his fat kitty cat butt all the way to the finish line.

I faded in and out of conscious the next few days as I tried to verify the world's largest prime. I never stopped for a meal or a pee break the entire time, as I was suckling on science's teat for knowledge, and peeing in her dixie cup for relief. After 6 long days, I couldn't deny that my original results were correct. With utmost confidence, I dialed CNN.

"Hello, CNN Prime Number Discovery Line," the operator said.

"I have done it! I have found the world's largest prime number. Send the camera crew out immediately."

"Awesome," the operator said. "Have you double checked it?"

"By hand," I said, as I winked at my Garfield calculator.

"Actually, sir, we had another individual call in tonight with a possible largest prime. How big of a number is yours?"

"Crapballs! Well, to be honest, I'm not worried. This number is big. Like, really big," I said.

"Come on, how big? You must tell me!" she pleaded.

"Fine, fine." I brought the phone up to my mouth so I could whisper the number to her. "The number is..... 45."

"45?" she said.

"Yes, it is incredible, isn't it?"

"I hate to be the one to tell you this sir, but the gentleman who called in earlier has your number beat by roughly 6 million digits," the operator said.

"What?! Preposterous!" I yelled.

"Not only that, but I'm pretty sure that 45 isn't even a prime number. Can't you divide 5 into it?"

"5? How? I don't even understand what you're saying. Are you still sending the camera crew out?" I said.

"I'm sorry, thanks for calling." She began to hang up.

"Wait! But I already bought this monogramed jacket that says Prime Time on it! At least come take a picture of me in it!"

"I'm sorry, better luck next time." With that, she hung up.

And so, another of my scientific discoveries end in disaster. Even if it isn't technically the world's largest prime that I've discovered, I'm confident that one day, my keen mathematical insights will be recognized, and future scholars will unearth my bones to suck the knowledge juice out of them. Until then, I am gunning for you, Michael Shafer of Michigan State.

Posted by Cody at December 11, 2003 5:37 PM