Ruminations on Christmas

Oh man, it is coming quickly. The only way I could be more excited about Christmas is if a fat, bearded, supernatural being was going to sneak into my house and leave me presents. And to anyone who doubts my devotion to the season, let me pose one question for you: is there any sight more majestic than me, riding through the streets of Austin, on my sleigh that's being pulled by a few dozen reindeer? And to think, some of you laughed when I sold all of my possessions to buy that set-up. The only ones laughing now are two dudes named Dasher and Dancer, and that's because they have a playdate at Santa's Workshop, aka my apartment.

If I had to pinpoint my love of Christmas, it's probably due to the union of three great elements: gifts, magic, and elves. If you take 2 of the 3, it's still a good combo, but I can't imagine there being any Peanuts specials about it. For instance, elves who give gifts. Wouldn't that technically be a Keebler elf? No one gives a crap about those guys. And magic elves who don't give gifts? Man, that's just the plot of Willow. A good movie and all, but I'd be a little uneasy with the fate of the world in Warwick Davis's hands. It's not that I have anything against magic elves; I just think they need to be occupied with something productive, like the making of pogo sticks, if this society is going to get anywhere.

Now, all of this leads to the obvious question: what do you get me for Christmas? Well, in honor of the Christmas spirit, I'll say a big bag of money. Yes, I will accept coins. I will even accept coupons, provided they're for one of the 3 products I am willing to spend money on (Cool Whip, Brillo pads, taco seasoning). Failing all of that, you can get me the one thing it's impossible to overdose on: karate lessons.