Attack of Balepeno

If there's anything better in this world than minor league sports, I don't want to know about it. The mediocre players, the surly fans, and the alcoholic mascots: it's pretty much magic in a bottle. That is why I took the time today to watch the Austin Ice Bats play the Fort Worth Brahmas in a game of ice hockey. It truly is a long and storied rivalry, right up there with Alabama vs Auburn. As it was pretty much the game of the century, I made a public vow to kill myself if the Brahmas lost. News of my vow spread quickly throughout the stadium. I was offered free nachos and a puck hat if I would just call the darn thing off. But I said, "No, Brahma fans don't go down like that!" Luckily, someone was there to translate my statements of devotion into Latvian for the players, and motivated by them, the Brahmas did indeed win.

Now, as far as Ice Bats go, I don't know if that means the bats are made out of ice or if they shoot ice from their eyes or what. All I do know is their mascot is a stinky hybrid of a rat/mouse and he accosted me today after the game. That quickly turned from a game of friendly mascot grab ass to a full on assault. As he pummeled me into unconsciousness, I had only three words for him: "Brahmas rule, bitch."

I have no idea where this animosity came from, as I am quite a fan of minor league mascots. The stories abound of my mascot relations when I lived in San Antonio. You see, the mascot for the minor league ball team there is a puffy taco named Balepeno. I wish I know how to do the little ~ over the n, but you know what I'm saying. How could you not love a big puffy taco named Balepeno? That's probably the greatest idea ever hatched. So, I can only conclude that Fang's attack on me today was just another part of the brutal Minor League Hockey vs Minor League Baseball mascot war. Message to the Ice Bats: you have now incurred the wrath of Balepeno, may god have mercy on your soul.

Also, I should note that I picked up some salsa at the grocery store yesterday with a slogan that read, "The tang's the thang!" I think they chose that slogan so they could branch out into underground porn if the salsa thing didn't work out. I am happy to support such forward thinking.