Britney Spears Is a Lying Piece of Crap

Well, isn't this just totally typical? Last week, Britney Spears said she just wanted to take some time away from me, and today, I find out she's married. On the set of Crossroads, Dan Akroyd warned me that she was going to pull something like this. I will now apologize publicly to Mr. Elwood Blues for calling him a filthy, lying whore and boxing his ears in front of the entire cast and crew. The following is my ultra-personal message to Ms. Britney Spears, or Pookie McCuteButt, as I used to call her.

Britney, you have made me look like a fool. Many a night have I spent in the local VFW, wondering aloud to Smitty and the boys about how dadgum sweet it'd be when declared yourself my ho for life. Do not say you weren't also excited about this possibility; I have AIM logs to prove otherwise. Through the lesbian experimentation, the goofball addictions, and all of your brutal assaults on Japanese photographers, I stood by you. And for all of that, I do not win Sweetheart of the Year, as you wrote in my President's Day card last year. No, I get a first class ticket to Dumpsville, courtesy of the Spears Express, where the only thing that comes with the packet of peanuts is a kick to the testicles.

The next time you go on TRL and Carson Daly asks whose face that is, tattooed on your ass, I want you to tell him the truth. Do not say, "This is one of my fallen homies." Instead, declare, "This is Cody Powell, the most sublime loverman to ever walk the streets of this earth. He gift-wrapped his love and had it delivered by a team of magical unicorns, and in return, I took a dump on him. One day, I will woo him back with a box of gold dubloons and a stack of dirty pictures of myself. Until that happens, I shall be dead on the inside."