February 5, 2004

Cost Cutting

I've got some good news, and some bad news, people of goulash. The bad news is your mother and I are getting a divorce. The good news, I'm going to start driving a Camaro. Okay, not really.

The good news is that for some reason, lots more people are reading the site lately (that ad in Soldier of Fortune really paid off). The bad news is that soon, I may have to start paying more for bandwidth for this site. As such, I'm going to start implementing some cost-cutting procedures here at goulash. Here's what I'm thinking:

  • From now on, my posts will only be one paragraph long. Additionally, I
    will not be posting about topics that are likely to draw in lots of people, such as lesbians ticklefights, interviews with Jaleel White's acupuncturist, and erotic poetry about the Falklands War.
  • I will not be able to post any pictures. Instead, I'll just draw the picture on a napkin, put it in an envelope, and mail it to each person who visits the site. To save money, the drawings will be done in black ink only, and I will use acorns for postage.
  • Starting today, I will no longer continue with my daily three hour video stream of two monkeys doing it. I will instead train the monkeys to build go-carts out of toothpicks, and I will sell these go-carts exclusively to royalty and reality tv stars. The monkeys will still have plenty of time each day for intimacy.
  • I will cease giving out expensive prizes for the best dirty haiku sent to me each day. Instead of sending a diamond plated tuxedo, I will send a rock that looks like Abraham Lincoln. Instead of sending a Segway that morphs into an eagle that morphs into a robot assassin, I will send a needlepoint I made of two kitties dressed up like Cheech and Chong.
  • Finally, I may have to look into hiring Schumin out as a mercenary or something.

You're right, it's not going to be fun. But in the same way old men have grown accustomed to prostate exams, you will grow accustomed to the new way of operating around here. If not, you have my permission to rain dubloons upon my head so I can entertain you and only you, in the non-sexual format of your choice.

Posted by Cody at February 5, 2004 6:11 PM