February 26, 2004

Mr. Current Events Tackles Homosexuality

Everyone on the internet sure has gotten their panties in a bunch about gay marriages. As the operator of the web's 439,618th most popular site, I would like to weigh in on this.

Message to homosexuals from America at large: you may charm us on reality tv shows, infuse our hair styles with passion and vibrancy, and delight us with your brassiness on sitcoms, but it'll be a cold day in hell before you get married in the US of A! If we acquiesce to letting a class of valid, tax-paying citizens get married, the next thing you know, we'll be letting women and black people vote. Thank God the Whig Party is there to oppose such hedonism. 54ยบ40' or fight!

Okay, this issue doesn't really matter to me, but when I have the opportunity to zing one at the Whig Party, I seize the day. However, there is something vaguely related to homosexuality that does get my goat, on which I will now ramble incoherently. There's been a rumor going around the state of the Texas that Governor Rick Perry was caught in bed with another man. More than once this week, someone has emailed me this information and in each instance, I responded decisively with, "You are an idiot; never email me again." I had hoped that would be the end of that imbroglio.

But no, these weinerbiscuits decided to up the ante a little bit. After that email made the rounds a bit, I started to get emails saying that a coming out rally would be held in front of the governor's mansion in Austin this week to motivate the governor to make his homosexuality public. If I may allow myself to be the spokesman for the sane portion of the Austin community, I must boldy ask: what in the hell is wrong with you people? Not only is it completely unclear what you're trying to accomplish with this rally, but the impetus behind it was some hearsay passed around through email forwards. Do you folks start shaking Bill Gates down for money every time you get that email saying he'll send you a dollar for forwarding this message? Probably not, and yet with one email, you're to grab some bongo drums and start running around the Governor's Mansion, chanting about doing it in the butt. I expect a little better form Austin's liberal weirdos.

Don't me wrong, folks: I do enjoy the delightfully kooky nature of Austin some times, but I can't imagine we're going to be seeing the governor soon at any citywide gay sex parties because of this. Sorry I had to be the one to say that. And now that I look, the rally was had on Tuesday. So really, no one listen to me.

Posted by Cody at February 26, 2004 6:12 PM