The Wrath of Cockroach

A few people have reached the site lately by searching for info about Cockroach from the Cosby Show. You'd have to be a bug eyed mule to think I'm not going to exploit this for all its worth. With these visitors in mind, I hereby present a little bit of Cockroach-inspired fan fiction.

The Wrath of Cockroach
by Cody Powell

It was a dark, cool night, better suited for curling or making snow angels than crying your eyes out in the Burger King bathroom. There would be no snow angels tonight for Cockroach, though; while the retarded dude who worked the deep fryer washed up, Cockroach sat on the seat of the toilet and wailed like a pig being exorcised. Every minute or so, he'd stop boo-hooing long enough to shout out, "Theo!!" and then angrily flush the toilet a bunch of times in a row. He considered fashioning a noose out of the seat cover, but his inability to tie a good knot only added to his despair.

After 4 hours of Cockroach's profanity-laden weeping, the customers at Burger King began to complain. Angel, the assistant manager, was reluctant to go in there and handle the situation, since he'd tangled with Cockroach in a situation like this before and almost had his ear bitten off. Danger was part of the job at BK though, so Angel sucked it up and opened the bathroom door.

"What's the problem here, Cockroach?"

Cockroach, in an attempt to drown himself, had stuck his head in the toilet, so all he heard was "Bloorble bleeble blaable." He raised himself up, threw a toilet paper roll at Angel's head, and then plunged back into the water.

Sensing death was coming, Cockroach relaxed completely and accidentally peed his pants. Right as Cockroach began to see the light, Angel tore him away from death's icy grasp.

"What is all this, Cockroach? You need some paper towels or something?"

"What use are paper towels when my life is over?" Cockroach said, his lip trembling.

Having played this game before with Cockroach, Angel knew what he had to offer. "Would a free Lord of the Rings goblet turn that frown around? What do you say?"

"Alas, much like Frodo, I once had a steadfast companion. He has been snatched away by the most fiendish of creatures, and I am now cursed to die alone." Cockroach began, very solemnly, to wrap his head in toilet paper.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Angel said.

"Theo!" Cockroach said. "My everything, sweet Theo. I have been barred from the Huxtable house, never to return, and my heart is as heavy as the world's biggest pumpkin."

"Ohh. What'd you do to get thrown out? Steal something? Grope Rudy?"

"Worse, much, much worse. In a fit of madness, I..." Cockroach suppressed a sob. "I ate the last of their peanut butter," he said. The mere mention of it made him crawl back over and put his head in the toilet.

"That doesn't sound that bad, Cockroach."

His mouth full of toilet water, Cockroach yelled, "But it was right before peanut butter and jelly night!"

Angel paused to consider this. "Still, it's not that bad."

This gave Cockroach a momentary pause in his hysterics. "Hmm, so maybe you're saying Dr. Huxtable overreacted?"

"It seems that way," Angel said.

"Maybe I'm not the bad guy after all?"

"I don't think so, Cockroach."

Cockroach burst into tears of joy. He gave Angel a slobbery kiss on the cheek and began to gather his things. "I think I'll go back to the Huxtables to straighten this thing out," he said.

"You're going to talk to Dr. Huxtable about it?"

"Hell no, I'm burning that son of a bitch's house down!" And with that, Cockroach exited the bathroom.

Posted by Cody at February 4, 2004 6:33 PM