My, Valentine's Day is already upon us! For some, that means a night of romantic canoodling with your sweetheart, while for others, it's just another evening of drunken weeping and internet porn. I'm not here to judge. What I am here to do is make sure that dude/sweet lady of your choosing becomes putty in your hands come February 14th. If that sounds like your kind of thing, just follow my step by step instructions for Valentine's Day and get ready to have some sex.
Step 1: Look Your Coolest.
For the gents, this means extra wax for your handlebar mustache. Do you have a leather jacket with a dragon on it? If so it, wear it. For the sweet ladies, that means not wearing a shirt.
Step 2: Bring Your Dude/Sweet Lady a Gift
Nothing warms someone up quicker than a token of your affection. If it's a dude you're after, I'd suggest getting him a bottle of Brut cologne and a switchblade. If you're romancing a sweet lady, nothing tells her you're serious better than giving her a bouquet of flowers and a wedding dress.
Step 3: Distinguish Yourself in Some Way
You're looking good, you're giving gifts, and you're almost there. To seal the deal, you need to do something awesome to impress them. How do you do this? It helps if you're autistic and you can count things really quickly or you have the nation's train schedules memorized. If you're not autistic, just fake it. If someone spills a box of something, shout out a number. If someone says a city, make up a figure for its population, latitude, and longitude. Note: this may not work if your dude/sweet lady happens to be autistic and can dispute your figures.
Step 4: Take Your Dude/Sweet Lady Somewhere Special
If you're going to seal the deal, you need to take your special person somewhere incredible. A trip to the dollar movies and a dinner at Denny's isn't going to work on this, the most romantical of days. What I'd suggest instead is to find a celebrity who lives near you, and then with your date, break into his house. Show your lover the lives of the fabulously rich and famous; if you want to steal something while on the inside, just go with it. Not only will this trip make a cute story for the grandkids, but you'll appear very brave when fending off the attack dogs with your shoes.
Step 5: Get Your Freak On
You've done your part, now it's time for your date to do theirs. Drive out to a really bad neighborhood and stop the car abruptly. Say your car is powered by love and it is now out of gas. Then say you're not going anywhere until your date joins you in the back seat and gets serious about your transportation. There's a 90% chance this will work, particularly if your date is stupid. In the freak occurrence that it doesn't work, tell your lover you have cancer and your request for one last bout of fornication was turned down by the Make-A-Wish foundation. Then say you'll make a special point to die on their front yard if they don't comply with this, your last request. You may need to walk around with an IV in order for this to work, but it's practically foolproof.
It isn't easy to create the perfect Valentine's Day, but if you're serious about your dude/sweet lady, it is your only choice. Good luck, everyone.
Posted by Cody at February 12, 2004 6:33 PM