Woo woo, today was Blood Drive day at work. Anything that combines wooziness with free Nutter Butters is aces in my book, so I signed up. In addition to all of that, I also got a very handsome red bandage wrapped around my left arm, which makes me look like a competitive break dancer or a Central American freedom fighter. As sweet as that whole set-up is, I was still a little reluctant because I have a phobia of needles. If I may do a little bit of soul baring, the greatest fear in my life is being chased by an enormous possum (or gila monster) carrying a bunch of syringes (seriously). If there's ever some sort of Human vs Talented Animal with Medical Supplies Contest and I'm involved, bet heavily on the possum/gila monster, no matter the odds.
In spite of all of this, I found the strength to subdue my terror and control my bowels. In fact, when the nurse brought out the needle, I even resisted the urge to grab her by the coat and whisper, "Put me down!" All I did was let out one mildly feminine gasp when she showed me how big the needle was, and that I cleverly covered up by pointing to the guy next to me when everyone looked and saying "Does that baby need a bottle?" After 23 years of training, no one can deflect humiliation like yours truly.
I'm getting away from my point here. If you happen to be the lucky individual receiving my blood in a transfusion, here are some things you should know about it.
1: I am invincible, as is my blood. Pillage with utter impunity.
2: Try to get my blood involved in your circulatory system's social scene, or else it's going to get bashful. What about a hemoglobin vs. white blood game of Scattergories? Don't be scared to throw some bawdy topics in there as ice breakers.
3: For the first few months, you'll want to try to recreate as closely as possible the environment my blood is used to, so it can get comfortable. Drastically decrease your intake of fruits and veggies, while dramatically increasing your intake of Thunder Bird and Play-Doh.
The Goulash Haiku Contest continues to rock and roll, so keep the submissions pouring in! Of course, you don't have to submit if you don't love totally great homemade prizes, in which case I don't even know why I'm talking to you.Posted by Cody at March 10, 2004 6:14 PM