Was it really only 8 days ago that yours truly incited the largest haiku shit-storm in the history of the Internet? My, how the days fly by when you're immersed in poetry! Going into this whole thing, I was expecting a maximum of 3 entries for the Goulash Haiku Contest, 2 of which would be in Japanese, with the third being extremely lewd and sent by a convict/family member. Surprise surprise, not only did I receive 76 entries, but all of them were in English. All of you who entered certainly have your priorities in order. The unfortunate aspect that comes with the volume of submissions is picking a winner. Had things gone according to plan, it would've been a snap to just name everyone a winner and send out a few pieces of homemade crap. That's not quite an option with 76 entries and the laziest man in the universe as a judge, so I had to devise something else.
If there's one thing this site has stood for over the course of nearly 200 entries on Goulash, it's quantity over quality. With that in mind, the other judge (take a bow, nunchuks) and I decided to honor the three most prolific poets. Luckily, the three who sent in the most also sent in some of the best. Now, who are these mysterious bards? To anyone who has been paying attention to the comments, numbers 1 and 2 are evident: Danza and P Diddy. Apparently, these two just sat by their computers with some vienna sausages for nourishment and a bucket to pee in, and focused on the haiku for a week. A piece of homemade crap is the very least I could give them for their devotion to the cause. The third winner is marginally more interesting, but let's not start peeing our pants over it.
Winner #3 is a man of mystery who submitted his entries via email. His name is Stephen Fay, and he sent in a total of 12 entries, all of which were of most outstanding. I've posted his entries in the comments of today's entry. Their homemade prizes will be made this weekend by my day laborers, and will either be presented at a black tie affair here in Austin, or by your local mailman, if the winner's tux is in the cleaners. If Warwick Davis ever responds to my email, I will also try to get him to MC the event (don't hold your breath).
Congrats to the winners, and well done to all the contestants. I am glad we'll all be on the same side when the Haiku Wars erupt.
Posted by Cody at March 16, 2004 6:00 PMHere are Stephen Fay's entries. They have champion written all over them.
B. A. Baracus
Doesn’t like to fly on planes
I pity the fool
That one’s not about
Goulash but I deserve a
medal for that shit
I’m gonna pimp your
fancy pants haiku contest,
you just don’t know yet
I’m sorry, I was
the one what made toast without
asking permission.
Carlos wouldn’t know
flattery if it bit his
browser in the ass.
What kind of nerd has
haiku contests? I would’ve
had booby contests.
My name is Cody
and I think I’m so fucking
funny. La de da.
Think you could dork this
site up a notch? Maybe some
trekkie fan-fiction
There is no longer
room for Carlos Jacott in
my heart anymore
Don’t need your homemade
junk. I write haiku’s for the
love of it baby
I’m just kidding. I’m
as giddy as a schoolgirl
about homemade treats
Did you get haiku’s
from the other five people
who read this site too?
I'd just like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed scribbling down haikus every waking hour for more than a week.
Posted by: Pdiddy at March 16, 2004 9:14 PMstephan faye can haiku
Posted by: at March 16, 2004 9:26 PMAfter a lifetime of being dragged through the mud and kicked in the groin, I finally know what it feels like to be a winner, and man is it sweet (almost certainly better than being kicked in the groin). I have to say I was very worried about my most formidable co-winners Danza and P Diddy, as I was sure they had me beat before I’d even begun. I suppose I’m lucky that three winners were picked instead of one (or perhaps you guys were the lucky ones, hmmm?). I’ve always been a poor looser, and as it turns out, I’m an even worse winner, so I would really appreciate it if you could tell me what I won so’s I can start rubbing it in the losers’ noses.
Thanks to Cody for having the contest, to nunchucks for doing whatever he did, and…in your face Basho!!, now we all know who the masters of haiku really are.
i'll take this opportunity now to mention that i'm a girl. my role in the gou is mysterious, at best.
Posted by: nunchuks at March 17, 2004 9:00 AMYou're all man when it comes to haiku, thuogh. I'll let the winners know what they won as soon as it is made. It is going to be quite a treat though.
Posted by: Cody at March 17, 2004 9:01 AMKudos to winners
Me, Pdiddy, Stephen Fay
We owned the haiku
To Mister Diddy
Our haiku war is over
Allies once again
And to Stephen Fay
Can't say I know who you are
Is that you Jacott?
fay, do you have a blog home to call your oun?
Posted by: at March 17, 2004 12:59 PMI am leaning towards Danza's idea that Fay is Jacott. It's just a little too perfect.
Posted by: Cody at March 17, 2004 2:06 PMMe...Jacott? I wish. Thats one handsome bastard. and no, I have no blog to call my own.
My apologies to the lady nunchucks. I'll bet you are as lovely as you are a wise haiku judge.
Posted by: Stephen Fay at March 17, 2004 2:23 PM