I have been really busy at work lately. How busy? Well, a lesser man would say I've been busier than a one legged man in a butt-kicking contest. However, I am better than that. As such, I declare that I've been busier than a no-lipped man in a beat-box contest. That's slightly busier than the paramedic at the sight of a grab-ass game played solely by people with hooks for hands. And that, in turn, is slightly busier than the receptionist at your mom's S&M dungeon. Are we clear here?
You poor fools may not know that besides being a man of letters, a universally feared gunfighter, and the world's foremost faberge egg expert, I am also something of a cook. I'm not really sure if it's cooking, actually. It's more taking a bunch of stuff, mixing it up, and forcing myself to eat it. My most daring combination? Tooth paste, motor oil, and ground-up unicorn hooves. Not really. But a while back, I was cooking with one of my friends and I decided to mix the following:
1 can of pinto beans
1 box of macaroni and cheese
1 box of instant rice
1 chicken breast
The end result was a little something I like to call Teddy P casserole, in honor of the soulster playing on my stereo while all of this was going on.
I think the reason I like to mix weird crap together is because I've always thought the coolest job in the world was mad scientist. Due to a down-turn in the mad science market, I really can't fulfill that dream. Instead, I'm forced to make up a lot of crazy food, feed it to my guests, and then see what happens to them. So far, no one's died, although a few are now wheel-chair bound (pretty sure they're faking it). And that one dude is now half-elephant, half-manatee, but I'm chalking that one up to a fluke. Nevertheless, I think I have a knack for it; it's just a matter of time before I'm the world's most beloved mad scientist. I urge all of you to get in on the groundfloor of the Teddy P casserole train while you still can: go home right now, mix a load of this up in your bathtub, and eat it all in one sitting. Then what happens? Well, you prepare for superhuman
powers. When you're seeing through walls and kicking dumptrucks all over the place, you can thank me and Teddy.