Bicentennial Post: Being Ben Schumin

Alas, the Bicentennial Post is upon us and my two interview subjects, Warwick Davis and Ben Schumin, have still failed to respond to my questions! Weep not, sweet people of Goulash, for I am a try baby, not a cry baby, and thus determined to make something good of this. As such, I took the questions I posed to Schumin and sent them to a team of Goulash All-Stars, to get their take on how Schumin might answer. The resulting interview, featuring P Diddy, Danza, The Deuce, and myself, is something that can only be called "Being Ben Schumin".

The keen observer will note how Paul's answers are right on target with Schumin's, while the other three sets are slightly more bizarre. If the real Schumin (or anyone else who I sent the questions to) wants his answers posted, you know the email address. Enjoy.

Since we last spoke in November, the life of Schumin has been action-packed. You've graduated, gotten a job, and undertaken a major remodelling job on your room. What was the best part? What about the worst part?

Paul: The best part was graduation, although it freaks me out when I think of myself as an alumnus. The worst part might have been messing with my room. However, it was very rewarding.

Cody: Well, the worst part is easy: the snake attack following graduation. The best part? Probably the fudgesicles I ate immediately following the snake attack.

Eric: Well, the best part is definitely the UCB inspired "Hot Chicks Room" that I installed. I took a class at Home Depot and they walked me through the installation process. I may have lost a finger on the mitre saw, but it was well worth it! I would say the worst thing that's happened since November was being denied a chance to show my stuff in the Women of Wal-Mart spread for Playboy. Why should my Y chromosome deny the world of the opportunity to see me in all my splendor? I mean, if Hooters has to take male waitstaff, I don't see why Playboy gets to discriminate. It's 2004 for Christ's sake! Live in the now!

Patrick: The best part would have to be the room remodeling. It was like making my own personal episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. The worst part would have to be sodomy.

Now, about your job at Wal-Mart. You seem to like it quite a bit. Do you think you'll be there for a while?

Paul: I enjoy my job a great deal. The Service Desk is my own little cave of sorts. However, I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that there will be a day that I will no longer be a people greater at Wal-Mart. But let us not look past the fact that I will continue to frequent all of the area Wal-Mart’s as a paying customer for years to come. I know of all the best buys and I purchase my shirts there

Cody: I'm there until the American people lose their love of cheap, crappy stuff, or the free Diet Sam's Choice in the break room runs out.

Eric: Well, maybe... Let's just say there's a little internal conflict at my store. You see, that old hag Ruth is trying to weasel in on my territory and make Head Greeter. She's sleeping her way to the top. That's well and good over in the Lawn and Garden section, but if that 73 year old hussy wants to get ahead in the Greeting game, she's gonna have to tussle with me. I swear, if she gets promoted, I'm gonna drive the Schuminmobile right into the propane case and watch that store burn to the ground. And it will too because I'm NOT going to pull the T1-900 FireAlarm activator located nearby

Have any website devotees made it to the store yet? How do you think your coworkers would react?

Paul: I have not run across anyone at the store, but I had a guy stop me in D.C. once. Also, one of your patrons knows a former classmate of mine. Both were very strange occurrences.

Cody: They have not made it inside the store, although some have loitered around the mechanical pony ride in the front of the store. This is because I want to keep SchuminWeb as segregated as possible from Wal-Mart. It's a nice store and all, but the people there are savages.

Eric: I bet Ruth would sleep with them too. Damn, 73 yr old slut...

Any chance you'll harness your retail expertise and open up a Schu-
Mart? I find this idea very exciting, with walls and walls of Schumin
Web merchandise.

Paul: That’s a bit much, take it down a notch.

Cody: Schu-Mart? Intriguing. Would I have to tend to the merchandise, clean up, and run the cashier all at the same time? We'd need an army of Schumins for that. Half of the army would work during the day, half during the night. While each half isn't working, they're out in the community, doing barbershop quartet for the elderly.

Schumin: Interestingly enough, I am working on my own store. I'm teaming up with that French-Canadian geek who does that bitchin' Darth Mol impersonation. We're going to sell T-shirts, coffee mugs, mouse pads, and the like. And here's the kicker: everything costs 1 hug. That's right, take what you want but you've got the hug both of us once...at least. We're going to target our advertising at cheerleading tryouts, tanning salons, and sorority houses because lets' face it, if we're giving stuff away for a bear hug, we're going to want to wrap our arms around some quality tail.

With regards to the room remodelling, you really went to town on that
thing. Have you ever thought of going on one of those "Trading Spaces"
shows?

Paul: Remodeling my room was a wonderful experience. I worked extremely hard on it. First, I sorted through everything in my room. I threw away or donated everything I had no use for. Everything that I kept, I took out of my room so I could paint and redecorate. I went through quite a bit of paint, but kept it within my budget. I purchased a number of things from Wal-Mart to accompany my newly decorated room. The shelving units have worked nicely. I think my parents were just glad that I finally got all of my crap back into my room. They were not big fans of the task at hand. As for doing “Trading Spaces”, I have no use for that as I have already redecorated my room.

Cody: I'd be interested, but there's no way they'd take me, because they know I'd completely undermine the designers. We're doing what I want, when I want, and if the neighbors don't like it, I'm burning the joint down.

Eric: have, although I prefer the original British version "Changing Rooms." You know, it really gets my gizzard, every single show on TLC nowadays is just a rip-off of a British show. You can catch them all on BBC America. Damn I'm hungry. Hold on, I'm gonna go make myself a Hot Pocket.

Recently, you wrote about having a hard time finding pants that fit. I too share this problem. Have you ever thought about wearing a kilt? Would that be against the Schumin Web dress code?

Paul: I would buy pants after work if Wal-Mart had my size, but they do not. I can only buy shirts there. Instead I must look online and buy pants on a trial by error basis. I do not foresee me wearing a kilt at any point in time, thus being against the Schumin Web “dress code” even though no such thing exists.

Cody: Kilts are definitely a consideration, except for the fact that you generally don't wear underwear beneath them. As you know, I wear 200 pairs of underwear each day and I'd have a hard time reconciling this with the beautiful culture of the Scots.

Eric: I have a fondness for kilts, I must say. I find that most pants don't allow enough room in the crotch. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Oh, he's just trying to brag about his third leg." But that's not true. What I'm referring to is my jumblies. My boys need room to swing, if you know what I'm saying. The kilt, and the complete freedom that comes with it (no more underoos, yay!), are a welcome change in the Schumin world. P.S. I am hung like a horse though.

What are your thoughts on the upcoming election? I see you as an Al Sharpton man. Will you be offering up an endorsement to any of the candidates?

Paul: I see you as an Al Sharpton man.

Cody: Let’s be completely honest here: any endorsement I make will completely sway the election, which is why I’m waiting until right before the election to make my preference known. I don’t want any rioting in the streets on account of BFS.

Eric: I boycott anything to do with the Electoral College on principle

Let's do some hypotheticals. If you could be any TV character, who would it be?

Paul: I’d love to be Cosby, but I’m not black.

Cody: Carl Winslow, from Family Matters.

Eric; I'd be King Friday from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. I mean come on, I'd rule the whole Kingdom of Makebelieve! I'd get to make it with Queen Sara and then give X the Owl the beating of his life. Uppity bastard.

If you could throw a pie in the face of one person, who would it be?

Paul: Everyone who does not appreciate my work on Schumin Web.

Cody: Carl Winslow, from Family Matters.

Eric: Hmmmm... X the Owl or that geriatric slut Ruth??? Can I get two pies?

Patrick: Bruce Vilanch. I won't tell you why. That's between me and him.

You're a fan of game shows. On which game show would you be the best contestant? Also, if you were to travel back in time to go on Family Feud and Richard Dawson tried to kiss you, what would you do?

Paul: I would perform very well on the feud, but I don’t have much confidence in the family. Sis would not fare well. As for the kiss, I’d imagine I’d react too late to do anything about it. I would most certainly turn many shades of red and the whole experience would be tainted.

Cody: Win, Lose, or Draw, presuming Burt Reynolds pulls his head out of his ass and gets in the game. And if Dawson tried to kiss me, I would giggle coquettishly and then see to it that all tapes were immediately destroyed.

Eric: I think I'm best cut out for Game Show Mania. With my extensive background in Progressive Rock, I'd own. So I travel back in time and Richard Dawson leans over to kiss me. Here's what I do: I do some cool ninja maneuver and get him in the worst atomic wedgie of his life. Then, at knife point, I force him to open an investment account in my name and buy as much Microsoft stock as he can... wait, is Microsoft around then? I don't think it is. And really do I need Richard Dawson for this? Screw your Big Money, Dawson, I've got a time machine BITCH!

Patrick: I'd be on Whammie!, the lesser-known show of the Press Your Luck dynasty. I've been watching nothing but Tivo'ed Whammy for weeks now, and I think I know how to beat the
system like the guy who cheated at the original. They'll have to rewrite
the script for the Press Your Luck movie to include many a shot of Bill Murray running the halls at WalMart.

Let's say your arch-nemesis drops a piano on your head. Your funeral is a teary-eyed affair, with the mourners struggling not to throw themselves on the coffin. What goes on your tombstone?

Paul: I would think that SchuminWeb.com would be on there as it has been such a large part of my life for the past 8 years. I celebrated 8 years just a few months back.

Cody: Tough question. I’ll go with, “I’m telling you for the last time, Biggie killed Tupac.”

Eric: Pepperoni and extra cheese. BWAH! You remember that commercial? I loved those. No, seriously. Best. Commercial. Ever.

Patrick: Pineapple and canadian bacon.

Finally, the last few months of Schumin Web have been a lot of fun, watching you settle into your post-collegiate existence. What do we have to look forward to? Please say a "Win a Date with Ben Schumin" contest.

Paul: I think you’ve lost it.

Cody: Everyone can look forward to some photo essays, my continuing misadventures at the Waynesboro Wal-Mart, and the definitive proof that Goulash will never touch SchuminWeb. And Win a Date with Ben Schumin? Don’t you wish, you sick asshole.

Eric: Well, I'm either going to get a dog or follow DC Talk around the nation on their upcoming "Free at Last" tour... I haven't really decided yet.

Posted by Cody at April 14, 2004 6:16 PM