You won't be able to reach me this evening; I'm too busy preparing for a little thing known as the Company Bake-Off, which occurs tomorrow. As such, for tonight only I'll be delegating most of my normal duties. To facilitate this, I've created a list of emergencies for which people normally call me, and the solution I would recommend. So, if you need something tonight, please just refer to the following. Thank you.
| Emergency | Contact |
| Your parents are suddenly very excited about this whole arranged marriage idea. | First, procure a copy of my best-seller, "How Can I Marry Haji When I Don't Even Know Him?" Refer to Appendix B, "Arranging the Preemptive Deportation of your Future Mate". Once this has been accomplished, go back to whoring the town up. |
| Big Elvis is at your house. He refuses to return to the stage until someone fetches him a wheelbarrow full of bacon and then rubs his belly. | Send an email to mysonisanobeseelvisimitator@hotmail.com with the subject, "He's at it again!! :(((((". For extra quick results, attach a nude picture of yourself. While this is going on, keep your hands away from Big E's mouth. |
| You suspect your neighbor is El Blanco Cacahuete, the kingpin of an international Pokemon card smuggling ring. You need someone to lead a sting operation. | Call Interpol, and ask to speak to an Inspector Lazlo Machetepants. When he asks what this is regarding, tell him that the kitchen has run out of navy beans. Then, barricade yourself in your house and wait for an explosion. We never had this conversation. |
| You accidentally doused Octopussy with radioactive isotopes. She is now 100 feet tall, and is clawing and peeing the city to ruins. | First, call Dr. Nichols at the North Austin Animal Clinic and make sure this isn't a side effect of her ear mite medicine. Second, call the National Guard. |
Okay, I think that should pretty much cover everything. For anything else, just contact my manservant. If you happen to come over and find him asleep on the job, you may thrash him with the buggywhip hanging by the door.
Note: To see a true Big Elvis emergency, click Read More.
Here's me at Big E's show, searching in vain for the man himself.
Ironically, he is rather hard to miss.
he's almost too big!
Posted by: xyz at June 30, 2004 6:40 PMNah, he could still pack on some more LB's.
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