I have a lot of bad habits: bed-wetting, petty thievery, my reliance on fish tranquilizers, etc. One of these bad habits is the fact that I giggle constantly. Maybe you are confused right now. You might be thinking, "But Cody, that makes you a ray of sunshine for everyone to bask in! Giggle on, my jovial friend, giggle on!" Sure, it can be a good thing, if I'm in some sort of light-hearted setting like an ice cream social or a transvestite burlesque show. However, it becomes a horrible liability whenever I'm doing something serious. For instance, I always get giggle fits during arguments. It could be a ferocious dispute about abortion rights, but I know that it'll only take me about 30 seconds before I think of a monkey wearing a cowboy hat, and then it's all over. This inability to keep a straight face is one of many reasons why the only allowed argument at Powell Manor is Haim vs. Feldman.
In case you're wondering, Haim vs. Feldman can go on for hours. It usually starts with something like, "Who was better in the Lost Boys?" and then moves on to the real issues, like who's dreamier (Haim) and who would be a better secretary of agriculture (Feldman). As far as I'm concerned, Haim vs. Feldman is the only universal argument, because everyone has an opinion and it's impossible to resolve. If you don't believe that, then just go up to Heaven, where I guarantee you Confucius and Socrates are battling it out as we speak, over this very issue. Not only that, but you don't have to worry about facts, figures, or rationality; all that matters is Coreyosity. In fact, I think we should make this debate the primary criterion for selecting the next president of the US. Sure, they can talk about medicare and social security for a while, but then dim the lights and get down to the real issues, like which Corey would you chose to address the UN.
I think the answer to this question would be very revealing. John Kerry would most likely deliver a nuanced, hour long response, nominating and then retracting his support for both Haim and Feldman. Bush would think for a second, say Corey Hart, and then start singing "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night". And this, friends, is why I will be writing in my candidate come November. I have not yet decided which Corey that will be.
Posted by Cody at June 23, 2004 6:41 PM