The Tale of the Velour Dragon

The buzz has been deafening. The paparazzi have swarmed me at every opportunity. All over the internet, TV, and the cooler parts of ham radio, people have wanted to know one thing: what I will be wearing to the Pipeline Compliance Developers Conference that we'll be hosting at work the rest of the week. As much as I'd love to tell you, I can't. Ever hear of a little thing called copycats? I put too much time, effort, and dubloons into my ensemble for some rogue (read: Patrick Lioi) to swoop in and scoop up all the glory. It's called a swoop and scoop, and it's an unfortunate fact of life for those of us who dress all fancy-like.

Okay, to temporarily placate the hordes, I will give you a few hints about my get-up. First, like everything I own, it will be made entirely of velour. Second, like everything I've ever wanted to own, it will be a complete dragon costume. Well, not complete, since I've disabled the fire-breathing option. Not only is it a fire hazard, but I'll be damned if I buy all that velour just for it to go up in flames the first time I buy it. Although I've only revealed part of my attire, you can correctly conclude it will be a stunner. Rest assured, when the Velour Dragon takes to the podium on Wednesday for his presentation on system resources, all in the room with be struck with equal parts fear and awe.

Okay, I'm not really going to dress like that. That would be stupid, stupid, stupid. The yards and yards of ruined velour, along with the dozens of dragon patterns I ordered overnight from Hong Kong and my anguished cries late in the night, lamenting how hard it is to sew dragon eyes: these were all red herrings. I wanted to make it look as if I were heavily invested into this whole velour dragon idea, to confuse and disorient my foes. After all, what kind of idiot would want to dress up like a velour dragon? Oh, that's right: only the kind of idiot who wishes to be the world's best dressed man. This title is mine come Wednesday.