Goulash: To Whom It May Concern

June 3, 2004

To Whom It May Concern

Hot diggity, I have internet at my house again! May the gaping mouth of the web again be filled with piping hot goulash, direct from my Soviet-era Goulatnik machine. Has it really taken me almost a year to start referring to my home computer as Goulatnik? Man, I must be losing the magic. And just to be clear, the ability to come up with words like Goulatnik is a pretty weak form of magic. It certainly pales in comparison to shooting lightening bolts out of a wand or turning my enemies into possums, but I takes what I can get.

Anyway, this will be the last update for the next week, as I'll be too busy approaching destitution at warp speed in Las Vegas to do any writing. Well, I probably will be writing, but it will take the form of letters to the editor. I'm thinking something along the lines of the following.

To Whom It May Concern,
I wish to make it known that the charitable, altruistic side of Las Vegas has been vastly overrated. Everywhere I turn, I encounter another claw reaching for my coin purse, like a kleptomaniac lobster. Even the very pillars of the local economy, blackjack dealers and prostitutes, have treated me shabbily when I informed them that I would not be paying for services rendered in American currency. It's not that I'm cheap (I have footed the bill for many a shrimp cocktail in my lifetime); I just expect some consideration, since I am the customer.

Case in point: a dealer in one of your lesser casinos. After putting my money on the board and buying into the game, the dealer steadfastly refused to show me his cards before I bet. I had never seen anything so absurd; it's like you actually want your customers to lose. I poked him in the ribs and said, "Hey jerk, ever heard of a little something called 'the customer is always right'?" Luckily for him, he called a brute to dispatch me before I could rally the people of the casino to my cause. Had he not, it would've only been a matter of time before we reduced that casino to a pile of ash and embers for this egregious transgression of etiquette.

I regret to inform you that until your city becomes a bit more customer-friendly, I shall avoid it like the plague. Additionally, I will do my damndest, as treasurer of the South Texas Model Train Enthusiasts, to see that our 3rd Annual Choo Choo Jamboree be held as far from your locale as possible. I hear Macon, Georgia is nice.

Regretfully,
Cody Wayne Maxwell Powell
cc: Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce, Office of Wayne Newton, Dick Cheney.

Hopefully I will speak to all of you again next week. Stay alive, I will find you!

Posted by Cody at June 3, 2004 6:12 PM

Comments

hmm, for the treasurer of the group, you don't attend many model train enthusiasts meetings

Posted by: xyz at June 3, 2004 6:25 PM

That's it, your dues are doubled

Posted by: Cody at June 3, 2004 6:42 PM

PS: Why doesn't anyone comment anymore? I hate you all.

Posted by: Cody at June 3, 2004 6:44 PM

Maybe we're all just in awe of goulash?

Posted by: Ray ray at June 3, 2004 7:22 PM

i would comment, but the only thing that goes through my head when i read your posts is disgusting profanity that would make my granny blush. i didn't mention your granny because everyone knows she is the author of several guides to pirate terminology.

Posted by: nunchucks at June 4, 2004 9:19 AM

If you are in the Paris and you need some fresh air. Don't bother trying to find your way outside, because it's a fake outside inside that casino, if you're not faked out, you can pay ten bucks and they'll take you to the top of the fake tower to show you real air.

Posted by: rainy at June 5, 2004 2:22 AM

Made it back from Vegas, several million dollars heavier. A lengthy, exhausting write-up will follow, assuming I can still remember English when I wake up.

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