Alcohol Mathemagic

It's been a long day, and I'm incapable of writing anything good. So, here's a little email I sent to Darby today when he asked me how much beer he needed to buy for his party on Saturday. It's been slightly spruced up.

Let's bust some logic. You say your party will bring forth 30 people, who may average out to drink 4 beers each. Sum total: 120 beers. If that's the case, I advocate getting a keg, pouring out whatever's left at the end of the night, and using the hollow container as a weapon in an East Austin street war.

However, I think the situation is going to be a little more complicated than that. There are classes of drinkers, and only by analyzing these classes and the distribution of people in each class can you determine how much beer will be consumed.

Class 1: Professional rock and rollers. Not only will these individuals drink way more than 4 beers, but there's a good chance they'll urinate in your oven and then pass out while trying on your underwear. Should the beer run out, they'll make a mad rush for any Lysol/oven cleaner/athlete's foot medication in your house; it is important to keep these people happy. Let's say you have 4 of these, drinking 12 beers each.

Class 2: The casual partier. "Wooo, let's crack one open and talk crap about our Common Law prof," these people say. While still out to have fun, they're shooting to a) remember the evening and b) not have to leave the country suddenly for a place with no extradition treaty. I have nothing against these people, although I'll never understand their ways. Let's say you have 20 of these, drinking 3.75 beers each.

Class 3: The Smirnoff Ice crowd. "Tee hee hee," these girls and effeminate Asian men giggle, "I like things that are Spritey!" One of this group will have too much of their premium malt beverage and begin to weep inconsolably, while another one will engage in a regrettable makeout session with the 14 year old next door. Let's say you have 6 of these, and they drink 1 beer each before they get obnoxious and demand something that will make them like they're making out with a dude from N Sync. Note: they will not actually drink the whole beer, but will take two sips before pouring it out and starting into an impassioned defense of Clay Aiken.

Class 4: Hot, trampy women. To be honest, I have no idea what they drink, but I'm hoping to find out Saturday night.

From that, I get a total of 129 beers. Yes, it only took me roughly 3500 words to get an extra 9 beers. Nevertheless, I say keg it, or else I'll have to get a keg of my own and set up shop in your drive way. I'll refuse to share with anyone, and when someone asks if I'll be joining the party inside the house, I'll scoff and say, "Party? I don't see a freaking party here, numb nuts!" It won't be pretty.