For some reason, I can't think of anything good to write today. Of course, that last statement is completely absurd because it presumes that my usual output is good. It's not, it's FRIGGIN STUPENDOUS! But anyway, since whatever I put here tonight will be crap, I have decided to use this space to send a threatening letter to the girl working the concession stand at the movie theater last night.
Dear Assassin,Posted by Cody at August 26, 2004 10:03 PMThanks for trying to poison me. I thought that here in the US of friggin A, we had a gentleperson's agreement not to feed each other tainted food products. Apparently, your fingers were crossed when you made this promise, because the turkey sandwich you served me last night unleashed a veritable tsunami of gastrointestinal discomfort. You even had the gall to charge me for it. For this, I can only hope you were chased by a rabid puma all the way home.
Perhaps you are taken aback by my offensive. Allow me to anticipate your response. "But Mr. Powell, why the hell were you buying a turkey sandwich at the movie theater anyway?" Listen honey, I was slapping down the turkey when you were still in short pants, so I'll ask you to stay out of that relationship. Not only that, but I placed my order because I seemed to remember the menu reading "Turkey Sandwich", not "Meatdemon on a Kaiser Roll". If I misread it entirely, then not only do I apologize, but I insist on placing a billboard in front of your establishment with my picture, saying "If you think this place has poisoned you with their foodstuffs, you should think again, because a similar situation happened to me and I turned out to be completely incorrect. Eat up, fatties!"
I can only hope that you're a Mortal Kombat character whose fatality is the Death Sandwich, and that you somehow got transported from the arcade in some sort of Weird Science like situation. Anything else is completely unacceptable. I shall be waiting for my year's supply of free turkey sandwiches with baited breath.
Yours,
Master Cody Wayne Maxwell Powell