Well, we're having a Developers' Conference at work that started today. In a move of incredible wisdom, I was slated to present first to the group. Here were my opening remarks.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're here this week to talk about software. And no, by software, I ain't talkin' bout your grampa's fuzzy sweatpants. *pause for laughter, and perhaps standing ovation* But seriously, I feel if we're going to devote a few days to this, I need to let all of you in on a little something right here at the start: You guys don't know crap about poop when it comes to software.Hey hotshots, software runs on computers, right? WRONG. Software runs first and foremost on the juiciest meat machine around: our hearts.
"Our hearts? What in the wang dang doodle is this jerk-o talking about?" you all exclaim.
Listen, if we're going to do this my way, this software will be pumping so much blood, it'll need sanitary napkins. The reason the heart is so important is because it is only through it that we can get our users to love us. If they're loving us, then the bling bling rolls in, and it's just a matter of time before we're rolling around the parking lot in diamond plated tanks, filled with asian concubines.
So, how do we make them love us? We must seduce our users with our products. We must take all opportunities to have our products send the users flowers, singing telegrams, and pornographic emails. We must make them want us so badly, restraining orders and armed bodyguards will become necessity. If we back out on this solemn promise to sexify those who depend on us, then I'm walking out of here right now and never coming back.
I'd share the rest of the speech, but it's just a bunch of dirty talk and pelvic thrusting.
Note to employers: only kidding, please don't fire me.
Posted by Cody at August 31, 2004 6:45 PM